breathing out.

There's a Women's Group that meets at my apartment every Monday night, and we've been talking about vulnerability. How in order to create connection with others, you have to let your guard down and have the courage to be seen for who you are. You can't live within a fortress forever. Connection is necessary.

Late last night, I crashed my bike. I was riding through the fog down College Ave without my lights on. And my hat was falling over my eyes, so I was having to push it back a lot. I did this right as I was about to ride over a short curb, but I took it too parallel so my tire skidded against it and threw me off to my right. The pavement was like sharp sandpaper on my hands, and my knee smacked hard against the sidewalk, throbbing. The worst part about falling in public is that people always see you- this guy had been walking across the street when I fell and came running back towards me asking, "Are you okay?! Do you need help??"

"Yes! I'm fine! It's okay! I'm fine, gah...please just don't come over here. Oh geez."

I walked- well, limped- home and when I pulled my pant leg up to examine my knee, the blood was starting to flow down my shin and into my shoe. So I just sat on the edge of the tub, took a few deep breaths, but I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. I let the heaves of sobs come over me like being pulled under a wave. When I'd come up for air, another would crash over my head. And it felt so GOOD. Well- I mean it felt horrible to be letting myself feel the heavy things I had been keeping outside of the walls of my soul for so long, but it felt RIGHT to let them overwhelm me, right there in my tiny bathroom with my leg bleeding out and my face soaked with salt water. Becky came over and gasped when she saw my leg- she rushed home and came back with anti-bacterial ointment and Lacey in tow so that maybe the three of us could figure out what to do about my silly knee!

Crashing my bike was necessary. It blew a gaping hole through the side of the fortress. Connection is necessary- with others and with yourself. Maybe sometimes the person you should be the most vulnerable with is yourself.