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| good things are free. |
When I was in Spain, a big
"problem" that the American students faced was the food in the
cafeteria. It obviously lacked flavor. And it wasn’t home cooked, but people
had been working all day in the kitchen to put it on our plates, I tried to
really appreciate that. But the negative reactions to it caused a scene, a
rebellion, an outcry of disgust among many of the students. As Americans,
receiving less than what our American dollars had paid for, we felt entitled to
something better. Our money meant we deserve the best, we deserve more, right?
Being in the presence of people who feel entitled is uncomfortable. Uncomfortable
and upsetting and confusing.
I was sitting at dinner one night and a guy set his tray down at the seat
across from me and the words "this is going to make me throw up"
spilled out of his lips. The blood instantly rushed to my face and I felt the
urge to slam my fists on the table and upturn my tray of questionable food onto his lap. My best friend Ben said he wished he
could put people who say things like that at a table full of delicious food and
make them eat every last bite of it, while surrounded by starving orphans who
can't touch a bite of it.
Remembering the situation reminded me of something Rob Bell said: "You
have a sense that you don't have that much because you see people who have even
more." Which sort of...kind of…lightly
led to this:
I quit buying clothes last September 1st. Clothes and shoes. And
bags. And accessories. I won’t buy any until next September 1st. It started as a fast, an act of pursuing God,
but has morphed into a handful of life lessons. It’s a small act, but it has
become more meaningful to me. See- it’s just that I've always had a
closet full of clothes! I felt entitled and free to have whatever I wanted, but
I wanted to become void of the option to buy myself into physical change to
make myself feel better. I wanted to learn how to accept the generosity of
others. A person can live on so little.
Clothes can define who a person is! Clothes
are the paint that makes up the portrait of a personality in our materialistic
society. And that's a little unnerving and makes me squirm because I don't want
to be just what I look like on the outside. I gave away a lot of stuff before I
began, trying to keep everything at a minimum- setting myself up to give and receive.
It’s hard.
My insecurity roams like a hungry lion in
the night- subtle and poised. I still have days where I look in my drawers and
think I have nothing to wear. That I’m too big to wear those pants, too short,
my hair is a mess (oooh, that has nothing to do with clothing, it’s always a
mess!). It has made me stand around in my underwear for long mornings while I
think about how comfortable I can be in my OWN skin. The solution to feeling
good about yourself can come from how you look, not how you feel about what is
on the inside- what’s on the inside isn’t always beautiful either. You want to
be loved and accepted for whom you are underneath everything- and I don’t mean
you want people to accept you walking around naked- but obviously, blatantly,
there is more to you than your wardrobe. But I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s
found that it is hard to wear your true self and be honest with the people
around you.
That’s
another thing- accepting the generosity of others is hard. My tendency is to
help others, fix their problems, feed and clothe them cause that’s what Jesus
would do right?! But I don’t let others in to help me because I usually don’t want to be someone who has problems that
need to be remedied by some do-gooder like me. So I deprive people of the thing
I, myself, find so fulfilling. Being vulnerable
is intimidating when being independent is so easy. I had to ask my mom to
buy me new sandals, because I wore holes in my other pair. I put them on and it
felt like the time I painted my toenails bright red after camp had ended and
suddenly, I felt so beautiful despite all the dirt I had been covered in all
summer. New things have become sanctuaries of new life in a tiny world of used
clothing.
So it has been a little easy too :)
People are my riches. Love is solid gold. Discovering people who really don’t mind how you
look is really great, too! You have no idea! Discovering people who notice when
you dress up is really great. Friends
who let me dig through their drawers are saints, willing to give the shirt off
their literal backs. I have fewer attachments to material things. This experience is different. I was listening to a talk by Shane Clairborne, he talks about the Amish and this hit me: "We don't think that our beauty comes from what we wear, but from who we are. It's not about what name brands we advertise, but it's about letting our light shine in other ways." And when you let your light shine in other ways, you don't always see what it lights up.
I interviewed my mom's co-worker for my World Religions class. She is a passionate, God-inspired woman, whom I respect and adore. She opened up about her spiritual life, noting her major beliefs and major downfalls, one of which is attachment to her stuff. And I thought "oh an opportunity to WITNESS!" but she beat me to it! My mom had told her about my "fast" and she told me how it made her want to be more aware of who she is thankful for rather than what she wants.
We are told we need more of bigger, better, the best! Because that will make us
happy people. But there is where I have always been proven dramatically wrong. So
much of this is obvious- maybe my point is that I just want to take Jesus
seriously. I want to be self-sacrificing. To appreciate every blessing placed into my tiny, incapable hands. To be full of generosity every day, all
day. Small practice, big lessons.
Rob Bell also says: "What can you do to be more generous? What is the next
step for you? You have been blessed. What can you give? Who are you going to bless?"
That’s exciting to think about :).
