from the inside.

The past couple of weeks have been hard on my immune system- I was out of commission most of the weekend. It was right after coming back from the Mission that I started feeling the heat rise in my lungs and heaviness in my head- if I was going to catch a cold, it definitely would have been there.

And always, there was work and homework. So when Courtney texted me last night saying, "Do you want to see a movie!? I don't have time to, but I want to LAUGH" I was so in. We saw Silver Linings Playbook, which I think just won a bunch of Academy Awards?? Tell me if I'm wrong. It's the story of screwed up people finding love and redemption in their new freedom and families and each other. And Courtney LAUGHED a lot through it. Something about getting her Masters in Social Work and being a counselor- "I want to dedicate my life to working with these kind of people!" And honestly, if I was "that kind of person" I'd want Courtney to work with me. Look for a post about just her later on :).

The characters were extra honest- everything that was on the inside flipped to the outside. There's a scene where the main character Pat, played by Bradley Cooper, is searching desperately for his wedding video in his parents house where he's been living since being released from the mental hospital for a severe bipolar disorder. His entire existence revolves around getting his wife back. He has been pining to resume his broken marriage, and is searching for the video because it is something concrete to anchor himself to. He can't find it and wakes his parents, searches the house from top to bottom, and escalates from mild frustration to full rage. Yelling and fist fighting with his father. A policeman shows up and Pat immediately regrets his outburst, begging the officer not to report him so his displaced wife won't get wind of his progress- or lack there of.

This was an intense circumstance, but I think of how God promises to change us from the inside out. That He's going to start at the center and work His way out. He is the anchor I am searching for, and in the hurricane of a sometimes bipolar academic/professional world I wear my outbursts on the outside instead of coming back to the core of what I am aiming for.

Which brings me to telling you that my beautiful tribe leader goddess of a mother broke her foot last week, too. Poor thing! She is so active, and she twisted her ankle chasing after one of her kindergarten students. If you're going to break your foot, that's definitely how it can happen. And amid our text messages of self-pity (wearing it all on the outside!) of being sick and broken, she wrote "Do you know that you are the only one who has ever heard my heart beat from the inside?"

Do you know that God knows the sound of your heart beat from the inside? I find a lot of identity in what my mother said. And in God as my anchor.

here for this

"they were wrong"

need Your, need Your love.

Testing the integrity of the pool cover in Portland

Homelessness is pretty obvious- no one is oblivious to it, but I suppose not everyone is sensitive to it.
Nick and I went on the Portland Mission Trip this weekend- three days of working with the Portland Rescue Mission and their extensions in the Portland area that feed and house people on the street. I have always thought of myself as sensitive to the needs of others, wanting to give myself fully to the task of caring for those less fortunate than me. And this trip reminded me of what that kind of life really looks like.

We woke up to drive to the Rescue Mission at 4:30 am, and in my sleepy stupor I promised myself that I would be 100% that day. Coffee helped a lot with that. We sat down at tables in the dining room as homeless folk filed in, were served pancakes and coffee, and we had conversations. What life! I learned a whole lot about fishing from a man "originally from Italy" (and who insisted that I season my coffee with coffee and handed me a Starbucks VIA pack) and spoke broken Spanish with Jose from Tijuana. Wherever there stood a conversation waiting, I'd toss a lasso over it and pull it towards me. 

The Mission offers a rehabilitation program for men who truly want to start their lives fresh- they apply to work at the Mission, are given room and board, offered bible studies and guaranteed meals. They serve their fellow man. You would not believe these guys- they are incredible! Full of faith and love and STORIES. Rob told me about traveling with his father, a diplomat, when he was growing up- spending years in exotic places and eventually ending up here, in a shelter. We spoke fast, of Spain and Asia and how much it would cost to fly to Singapore. I asked him to assign me a task, and he goes, "Just serve up those orange slices! And then let's all go to Bali!" 

Holly heads up the organization- she is committed! And her passion for it radiates through her face. She cannot talk fast enough telling us about the remodel and new programs and how they came to be. And I began to measure the integrity of my dreams to the way she lives her life. It is more than a job to her- taking care of people and constantly adapting- it is in her blood. I wonder how much she has given up to be there every morning, caring for the least of these. She exemplifies the words "When I am no longer the point of my life, my life begins to have a point."

She must be exhausted a lot of the time, we were exhausted just spending the weekend. Monday, we walked the streets and handed out blankets, snack packs and lunches, gloves, hats, and about a gazillion socks. On our way back, our group collided with a group of street people, and in the midst stood Jose. Our eyes locked and I burst out in laughter, shouting his name out loud. "Aaaaye chica!" he said as we wrapped up in a big hug like long lost friends. "Mi chaqueta es bonita no??" he showed me his "new" jacket given to him sometime between the morning we had coffee and then. 

Paddy, our campus chaplain, reminded us the night of our arrival that when we serve others, we are serving Jesus. As we do unto others, we do unto God. If anything makes a person give 100%, I hope it's that. I can't sum up all the joy I felt in the Mission or out on the streets, the value of their stories! You'll have to go there yourself. As much as they needed us, I needed them deeply- to remind me of the joy that comes from knowing a loving God. 

wear sunscreen.

From Baz Luhrmann

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99 
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be 
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by 
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable 
than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now. 

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not 
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. 
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and 
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before 
you and how fabulous you really looked….
You’re not as fat as you imagine. 

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as 
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing 
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that 
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm 
on some idle Tuesday. 

Do one thing everyday that scares you 

Sing 

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, 
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. 

Floss. 

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes 
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with 
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you 
succeed in doing this, tell me how. 

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. 

Stretch 

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your 
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they 
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year 
olds I know still don’t. 

Get plenty of calcium. 

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. 

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe 
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky 
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t 
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your 
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. 

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people 
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. 

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. 

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. 

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. 

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for 
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the 
people most likely to stick with you in the future. 
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you 
should hold on, work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and 
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you 
knew when you were young. 

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; 
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. 

Travel. 

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will 
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize 
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were 
noble and children respected their elders. 

Respect your elders. 

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, 
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one 
might run out. 

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will 
look 85. 

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who 
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of 
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the 
ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. 

But trust me on the sunscreen…

thinking and redemption.

There is something I feel like I need to tell you: I have been thinking. I know that I have not been writing, but I have been thinking about writing and I don't want you to think that I am not writing, because the fact of the matter is, I am actually writing an annotated bibliography right now. As well as this. 

I have been thinking thoughts, and doing a lot of homework, checking my Facebook often, and doing this weird thing where I twiddle my thumbs and think about my future a lot. It looks like I'm not living a very exciting life- but excitement has manifested itself in different shapes and figures, smells and consistent sleep schedules. Did you ever stand in the middle of a teeter-totter when you were small? Trying to outweigh either side by shuffling back and forth? Life is a little like that right now, and it's really good- I can see the lists, people, projects, worries, and love on both sides of the log and it makes me feel reinforced in the person I am. 

I have been thinking thoughts, and thinking about having more thoughts about things that other people think about- like their marriages, how they're going to pass their classes and pay for those classes, what they're going to have for dinner and if they should buy soy milk or almond milk (I think about that too). About Heidi's grandpa dying while she's in Italy, so far from home. About friends having seizures for no reason at all. About David's new tattoo, in the shape of a triangle waiting for words to fill the empty space. What will be so profound to outline on your skin? How could you not know by now? And do I know what defines me, outlines me? Thinking about how people make choices and do the things they do with optimism and joy or do them by slowly dragging their feet through mud, complaining often and never smiling. 

I have also been thinking about Jesus and how He would probably like to have a conversation with me. And it's one of the conversations that I've been avoiding- like the one between broken lovers who are trying to get closure but won't return each other's voicemails. Except Jesus has definitely been checking His voicemail. And texting me. Incessantly. Freaking persistent! And I pretend often that I left my phone at home or the battery died. 

Kate asked me to come to a small group Bible study with her tonight. It's hard to be a part of a small group sometimes, and hard to join one where you don't know many people. So I invited Nick to come along, too. He's a real quiet guy, but his presence is a safety net and I always appreciate what he has to say- hear what he's thinking about. 

We talked about repentance. What a harsh word! What kind of image does that bring to mind? It makes me think of cold breakfast. As in eggs and toast left out all day on the counter and you know you'll probably toss it, but maybe you could also just heat it up? Have some breakfast for dinner. In this new group of people though, it was said that we need to change the way we think of repentance. It should change the way we live our lives- not hold us back or burn up our self-esteem. 

Somewhere in the vast pages of the Bible (maybe Luke), Jesus is speaking to Simon Peter and says that He is praying for him. That though Peter is going the wrong direction, Jesus is fighting on his behalf and says, "Help your brothers be stronger when you come back to Me." Repentance should make us aware of ourselves and how God is waiting for us to come back, having full faith that we will. We will come back to the place where we last left Him. Aware that something has to change. Repentance will bring us to redemption. 

And here is where my soon-to-have conversation with God comes in. He wants to have some breakfast- probably get up early and pull on warm sweaters and meet me at Clarette's downtown so we can sit in a corner booth, order coffee and feel safe and cozy. He'd let me face the wall so people wouldn't see I was shedding some welled-up tears from my welled-up thoughts that I have been thinking about and not talking about as He gives me that "I got you, baby girl" hand squeeze from across the table. 

take a chance!

This is such a fun song! Enjoy :)