thinking and redemption.

There is something I feel like I need to tell you: I have been thinking. I know that I have not been writing, but I have been thinking about writing and I don't want you to think that I am not writing, because the fact of the matter is, I am actually writing an annotated bibliography right now. As well as this. 

I have been thinking thoughts, and doing a lot of homework, checking my Facebook often, and doing this weird thing where I twiddle my thumbs and think about my future a lot. It looks like I'm not living a very exciting life- but excitement has manifested itself in different shapes and figures, smells and consistent sleep schedules. Did you ever stand in the middle of a teeter-totter when you were small? Trying to outweigh either side by shuffling back and forth? Life is a little like that right now, and it's really good- I can see the lists, people, projects, worries, and love on both sides of the log and it makes me feel reinforced in the person I am. 

I have been thinking thoughts, and thinking about having more thoughts about things that other people think about- like their marriages, how they're going to pass their classes and pay for those classes, what they're going to have for dinner and if they should buy soy milk or almond milk (I think about that too). About Heidi's grandpa dying while she's in Italy, so far from home. About friends having seizures for no reason at all. About David's new tattoo, in the shape of a triangle waiting for words to fill the empty space. What will be so profound to outline on your skin? How could you not know by now? And do I know what defines me, outlines me? Thinking about how people make choices and do the things they do with optimism and joy or do them by slowly dragging their feet through mud, complaining often and never smiling. 

I have also been thinking about Jesus and how He would probably like to have a conversation with me. And it's one of the conversations that I've been avoiding- like the one between broken lovers who are trying to get closure but won't return each other's voicemails. Except Jesus has definitely been checking His voicemail. And texting me. Incessantly. Freaking persistent! And I pretend often that I left my phone at home or the battery died. 

Kate asked me to come to a small group Bible study with her tonight. It's hard to be a part of a small group sometimes, and hard to join one where you don't know many people. So I invited Nick to come along, too. He's a real quiet guy, but his presence is a safety net and I always appreciate what he has to say- hear what he's thinking about. 

We talked about repentance. What a harsh word! What kind of image does that bring to mind? It makes me think of cold breakfast. As in eggs and toast left out all day on the counter and you know you'll probably toss it, but maybe you could also just heat it up? Have some breakfast for dinner. In this new group of people though, it was said that we need to change the way we think of repentance. It should change the way we live our lives- not hold us back or burn up our self-esteem. 

Somewhere in the vast pages of the Bible (maybe Luke), Jesus is speaking to Simon Peter and says that He is praying for him. That though Peter is going the wrong direction, Jesus is fighting on his behalf and says, "Help your brothers be stronger when you come back to Me." Repentance should make us aware of ourselves and how God is waiting for us to come back, having full faith that we will. We will come back to the place where we last left Him. Aware that something has to change. Repentance will bring us to redemption. 

And here is where my soon-to-have conversation with God comes in. He wants to have some breakfast- probably get up early and pull on warm sweaters and meet me at Clarette's downtown so we can sit in a corner booth, order coffee and feel safe and cozy. He'd let me face the wall so people wouldn't see I was shedding some welled-up tears from my welled-up thoughts that I have been thinking about and not talking about as He gives me that "I got you, baby girl" hand squeeze from across the table.