sweet dreams

The other day, I had the worst day of work of my entire life. As I sat in the restaurant bathroom and cried, I tried to pull memories of moments at other jobs where I felt so low. From times when I was very young and had to mow lawns. From when I was 17 and began work at the radio station. To event planning and heading up Amnesty International at my university. To moving to Spain to learn Spanish and be away from my family for a whole year! To working at summer camp, with rowdy awful smelly children in the dirt. To moving all the way to Southern California by myself to be a marketing director and having to come directly back to Walla Walla to work at the radio station again....

And I couldn't remember a single day in all those years of weird, difficult, sometimes lonely jobs where I had had a worse day.

I tried to think of a time where I had felt stupid, incapable, annoyed, angry, frustrated, DONE. So that perhaps I could remember how to push through that mental wall and get my head in the game.

And I couldn't remember a single time when that had occurred.

It is extremely difficult to learn something new. To push yourself in ways you thought you never could. I will tell you now that a year ago when I first made the decision to begin culinary school and work as a prep/line cook, I didn't know what to expect and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Guides were present. Time was ample. Opportunity was for the taking and I was ready. But here, a year later, after I withdrew from my program and moved up in my kitchen job, it's still extremely difficult.

The only thing I could relate the day to was the first time Nick and I climbed Wherever I May Roam route at Smith Rocks. There was a moment where I found myself pinching the side of this rock wall, dangling my whole body in mid air, 400 feet above safe ground. My forearms were pumped out and felt like television static. I shivered and I whimpered and I was scared. And all I could think was, "How the fuck did I get here?! Why the fuck am I here, doing this, and how do I get out of this??"

Until I heard Nick's voice from above me, "I'm at the top, come on up! Not much further, you got this!" And that was what I focused on as I pushed myself up to meet him. I slept well that night.

That day of work was awful. But it was one day. It was the worst day. But it was one day out of thousands of days of hard work. And that night, I had the sweetest dreams.