sweet dreams

The other day, I had the worst day of work of my entire life. As I sat in the restaurant bathroom and cried, I tried to pull memories of moments at other jobs where I felt so low. From times when I was very young and had to mow lawns. From when I was 17 and began work at the radio station. To event planning and heading up Amnesty International at my university. To moving to Spain to learn Spanish and be away from my family for a whole year! To working at summer camp, with rowdy awful smelly children in the dirt. To moving all the way to Southern California by myself to be a marketing director and having to come directly back to Walla Walla to work at the radio station again....

And I couldn't remember a single day in all those years of weird, difficult, sometimes lonely jobs where I had had a worse day.

I tried to think of a time where I had felt stupid, incapable, annoyed, angry, frustrated, DONE. So that perhaps I could remember how to push through that mental wall and get my head in the game.

And I couldn't remember a single time when that had occurred.

It is extremely difficult to learn something new. To push yourself in ways you thought you never could. I will tell you now that a year ago when I first made the decision to begin culinary school and work as a prep/line cook, I didn't know what to expect and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Guides were present. Time was ample. Opportunity was for the taking and I was ready. But here, a year later, after I withdrew from my program and moved up in my kitchen job, it's still extremely difficult.

The only thing I could relate the day to was the first time Nick and I climbed Wherever I May Roam route at Smith Rocks. There was a moment where I found myself pinching the side of this rock wall, dangling my whole body in mid air, 400 feet above safe ground. My forearms were pumped out and felt like television static. I shivered and I whimpered and I was scared. And all I could think was, "How the fuck did I get here?! Why the fuck am I here, doing this, and how do I get out of this??"

Until I heard Nick's voice from above me, "I'm at the top, come on up! Not much further, you got this!" And that was what I focused on as I pushed myself up to meet him. I slept well that night.

That day of work was awful. But it was one day. It was the worst day. But it was one day out of thousands of days of hard work. And that night, I had the sweetest dreams.

Bigger Adventures

A couple weeks ago, I gave my boss a letter that said I'd be leaving my job at the end of the summer. Seems like a pretty simple move, but many hours of thought went into it. It's tough to step out into unfamiliar territory and reach into the unknown. But you gotta do it. 

So I'm going to culinary school next year! Ya! I'm gonna be a chef. It's a big deal to me, to go back to school. Nick will also be in the nursing program, so at least we'll be in it together. Perhaps we should enroll Zuri in school too? :) Culinary has always been in the back of my mind. A thing I could do, but when would I make time for it, where would I go, etc etc.

And one day, I had a conversation with my friend John that I'll always remember. It went something like this: admitting out loud to a real human that I only experience short glimpses of happiness in my life these days. Moments where I remember who I really am, the things I want to celebrate, and where I experience true joy. Just moments! And it made me cry. I knew I had to step off the beaten path I'd been creating for myself and do something (anything!) and that's when I took a trip out to visit the Culinary Program. So that's the plan now, and I'm proud of it. I'll never again let anyone tell me that working in an office is what I should get used it, that it's normal. It's not.

Anyways, I'm hoping to keep writing on here. But I've also started working on a new blog where I'll be sharing our same old adventures but with the added bonus of fun recipes I'm trying and what I'll be learning in school. Looking forward to this new adventure!!! (I'll post deets on the new blog soon).

Totally impractical roadtrips

What a crazy week! Work was crazy, I put in two 14-hours days! But don't think that stopped us from driving ALL the way to Sacramento in the middle of the night so we could see the sunrise over Shasta and see our friends and drink good coffee. All before we ran 13.1 miles through the beautiful El Dorado Wilderness! What glory! Huge challenge, amazing company, and a drive all the way back to Walla Walla in the middle of the night again before work in the morning. The Hams aren't weekend warriors- this is just what we do.

Blessings for strangers

Over the weekend, I was on my way to the Oregon coast. It was getting late and I had to stop at a truck stop to grab a cup of coffee and charge my phone (my car doesn't have a charger). It was one of those truck stops that is all-inclusive. Big restaurant open 24 hours, a motel, big spaces where truckers park their semi trucks. 

I sat down in a booth, plugged in my phone, poured a cup of coffee, and started chatting with the waitress and another truck driver. They were such good company after about six hours on the road listening to audiobooks. We talked about the Pendleton Woolen Mills, things to do in Denver, and Walla Walla Main Street.

Then a girl came in who was obviously in bad shape- as in she was clearly a junkie. She asked to sit next to me and we started talking. She was 23 years old, she was at a loss for a place to stay that night, she looked exhausted, and man...she looked rough. Twitching and not able to look people in the eye for more than two seconds. And I'll be honest, I didn't really feel that bad for her because I know that we are all a product of our circumstances, but also our choices, and it didn't seem like she was real capable of making good decisions. I'm a little judgmental and I know you are too, so let's just be open about that.

I believe in the vibes you get from other people, and her vibes were good, so I offered her a ride to Eugene, which was about a half hour away. She said she had a friend that she could stay with there. As we drove, she munched on two giant Costco shortbread cookies, one in each hand. I guess she hadn't eaten all day and that was all I had to offer. She told me about leaving her home in Alaska and how she wanted to get her life back together, but wasn't exactly sure how to take all the correct steps in the correct order. She wanted her mom to come get her, to just pick her up and take her home. She called herself "gutter", as in how trashy she felt. "I'm so gutter right now."

And this is the part where I began to reflect on my own problems a little bit. I've had my highs and lows for sure. I've struggled with anxieties, finances, getting my own life back on track so many times, I have an extra hard time taking all the correct steps in the correct order, but I had never felt like I was "gutter." There was something so sickening about that word to me. She said it again and I looked at her seriously and said, "Dude, I think there would be some improvement made by not calling yourself that. Cause you're not gutter. You're just a girl trying to make it work." She paused, and agreed.

As she was getting out of the car, I asked if I could give her some money and she said, "Yeah, if you want to ma, but not too much okay? Cause I just need to eat a little, nothing else." So I gave her enough for something to eat, but not enough for something to smoke. "Becka, thank you. I appreciate you a lot. Thanks so much," she said. I took my necklace off and put it on her as a blessing. I told her I'd dedicate my meditation time to her, and she asked me to focus on healing, healing, healing. Then I left.

One thing I don't believe in is that everything happens for a reason. I think that things just happen and that you can be thankful for those experiences, whether they were good or bad, hurtful or healing. This is an experience I think I could easily forget and let go of. That I could easily give no value to, because she was just a random girl and I'm in a rut in my life where nothing feels like it matters much. I'd been feeling pretty beige. We meet so many people in passing and may never see them again. 

But this girl reawaken a compassion in me- for others who are struggling, and for myself. We must place our blessings of love on others to give them strength and encouragement. We must accept blessings of strength from others. I hope never to be the kind of person who thinks I can make it on my own, and I was definitely becoming like that, but this helped bring me back to earth a little bit.

Small injuries + full hearts

There have been some ailments in the house this month. BearCat got beat up by something while roaming the night and had to spend 24 hours at the vet's getting a burst abscess cleaned out. Then Zuri ran straight into my knee and knocked me flat, luckily no permanent damage but it definitely hurts! It's put a snag in my running game. And lastly, Zuri developed a infection in a mammary gland and is on antibiotics/anti-inflammatory meds. She also had some cooked chicken bones as an accidental snack and so waiting for that to clear has also been a little stressful.

I wouldn't trade having animals in my life for anything. Growing up, my dad taught me the importance of having compassion for small creatures. He has a huge heart for animals, so we brought home a lot of strays. Stray cats mostly, and bunnies, and once we had a hedgehog for a couple weeks. I snuck a kitten into my room by hiding it in a shoe box. I knew if I could get it past my mom, it would be enough to convince my dad to keep it. My mom was mad. My dad was compassionate. We kept the cat. Every animal was unique and special to him, regardless of where it came from. When Pip was hit by a car, my dad cried for me and for the dog.

Even how I got BearCat was strange. My friend had discovered a litter of kittens under their porch and needed to find homes for them. I was freshly moved into the trailer in LA and needed an animal to keep me company. My friend Doug said he had one for me and brought me BearCat on a whim, tucked into a little travel box, to a concert I was at. Bear sat in the crook of my neck through the loud music; he had fallen asleep.

My vet bill this past month was insane, I put it all on a credit card. I don't care. There are a hundred people in my life who I cherish and adore, who I couldn't live without...but there is nothing compared to the secret spot of understanding and adoration I share with my dog, or the absolutely care-free moments of pure fun I share with my little wild cat. I hope my life is always full of silent moments with dogs who need love from me, and moments of warmth from small things tucked into the corner of my arm or behind my knee as the sun goes down. There is nothing I would trade that for. Nothing ever.

California Dreamin

Sometimes you have to leave the familiar and experience something new in order to appreciate where you are. This past weekend, I flew down to Sacramento to visit my best friend KTW who is in law school at UC Davis. 

California holds a really incredible feeling for me. Warmth, joy, a deep appreciation for memories created there. And especially in Central CA where I've spent a lot of time working at a summer camp and exploring the area. When I go back there, I feel a sense of incredibly loving nostalgia. My friend Emily joined me on the trip and we went hiking through some rolling hills, and then up a big waterfall trail, we raided Trader Joe's twice, I took time to watch the clouds roll by and see the sunset's pink light reflect off the green hills and happy cows. 

But I could never leave the PNW. It makes my heart hurt even to leave the little pocket of Walla Walla! On the plane home, I looked out the tiny window and saw the little Blue Mountains and our long endless roads, going to all corners of the valley. I ached for my home! For my husband, for Zuri Girl! The familiarity of home. Far away from busy cities and long commutes. Nick is applying for nursing schools in Portland, and the thought of leaving within the year sends a little bit of panic through my body. Finding a new job, new house, figuring out where I can do my grocery shopping. Little things really, but the familiar is so important to me. 

I know eventually, the Hams will need to branch out and move somewhere else. Create a home elsewhere. Because we're young and we need to have lots of adventures and experiences, but oh my home! I need to be brave, but this bird loves a safe place to land. 

January one is no fun

Okay, I know, it is 2016! Amazing! Light the fireworks, I love! Pop the champagne! Wake up feeling fresh! But please do not share your new years resolutions with me. I hate those.

I understand the importance of goal setting, I'm 100% on board with that. I also understand the importance of doing continual work on your projects, whether it be personal, physical, spiritual, etc. But why do we have this unofficial national holiday where we make people feel bad about what they need to do in order to make themselves better, or acceptable? I don't know...does anyone else feel like it's too much pressure? Is there another way?

My friend Emily refines her goals list in the summer time! To me, that's a great time to wake up and decide that "today is a new day, I'm tan, here's some pink lemonade, and I will begin working on my goals now." Personally, I set new goals for myself in October, while I was on a pumpkin spice high, and I have never been more hopeful or productive. They were simple goals:

1) Go to the gym every other day
2) Read books
3) Stop beating myself up for not having a perfectly organized house

Very simple, broad goals! What do they mean to me? Mostly, these goals are to help replace some of my bad habits.

I watch a lot of television. The couch has developed a Becka-shaped nest in it where I sit while I watch TV. Stories and comedy are my junk food- I love to see a story develop and I love to laugh. I've binge watched through some (most) of the essential comedy series on Netflix. This...is not the worst thing I could be addicted to, but it's also not super healthy.

Luckily, I got the Netflix app ON MY IPHONE, and now I can watch Parks & Rec while I'm on the treadmill!! Ah so good. Every week since October I have gone to the gym and squatted, pushed, pulled, pumped, jumped, and almost passed out for about 30 minutes. Then I reward myself with walking on the treadmill and watching TV. Harmony! Everyone wins! (I realize now that I did not replace a bad habit, but now am rather...facilitating it in a healthier way?)

Reading more books is important to me as well. But who has time to read when one wakes 30 minutes before one has to be at work, types on a computer for 8 hours, and then has to go to the GYM, stretch, cry from soreness, shower, get into bed and kiss one's dog till one falls asleep!? Turns out there's an app for that. I downloaded Audible! Now I listen to books I want to read while I walk/run/squat/cry/bathe. (perhaps this is becoming a post about how to make really good use of your smartphone? you decide). But I also am trying to set apart time on the weekends where all I do is spend an hour or so reading a real physical book. If you have suggestions, please share!

And not bad mouthing myself for not having a house that looks like it's in Sunset Magazine. After all, I do live with a grown man, who sometimes passes as a legitimate grizzly bear, and a dog who is either a wild boar or a small horse, we're not sure. I used to sit at work and STRESS about the state of my home- the dishes in the sink, the unfolded clothes in the dryer, the unmade bed, the leaves in the yard. I think these thoughts were perpetuated and made significantly worse by my time spent skimming actual Sunset Magazines for content while at work. But I live a real life, and real life is a little bit messy and disorganization sometimes. I refuse to submit to the pressures of Pinterest.