aqui.

cliff jumping with amy, my soul sis

Connecting with God, with people, with myself, is so freaking hard sometimes! And I am not the kind of person to just “see how things go”; I’m all about consciously-made choices and sticking with them. The first week at camp, I was so frustrated because of so many new faces that I was going to have to connect to. I just wanted to be friends with the friends I already had, and I wanted to get down to work, do my training for Challenge Course with my boys, couldn’t believe I would have to work with girls after having been the only one last summer…I was irritated and confused and disconnected. Probably selfish too. Mmmyeah, definitely.

Bottom line, I just don’t think I was ready for camp to hit my so hard and so fast. On the drive up, Cameron, Danielle and I were in pieces, praying in between tears (Cam wasn’t crying. Cam is a man.) because we didn’t feel ready- we were feeling disconnected when it was quickly becoming absolutely imperative to be connected.

But the people I was afraid I wouldn’t connect with are the people who have attached themselves to me; they have thrown ropes over my walls and climbed up to look me straight in my defensive eyes. And I find myself repeating “I’m here. I’m here. I’ m here” with all the words blending together. Dean works with me and has quickly become my loyal brother-friend. Taking up slack and making me laugh hard on a regular basis. He lets me sing loud and out of tune when he plays his guitar and we tandem ride the Giant Swing in our seat harnesses (breaking the rules…!). He exemplifies a good friend. All the guys on Challenge Course do. Tammy, the director’s wife, lets me make coffee whenever I want in the programming office and lets me know when it’s done so I can come sneak some into my Kleen Kanteen.  I don’t have a phone anymore, and Rachel lets me borrow hers on my days off, no extra charge! Camp is comforting hard work. It’s like coming back to my family.

And this week was family camp (which makes me miss my real family SO MUCH)! There were 560 extra people here! So many people to care for, to be polite to! And my patience is super limited- I can put up with rocks and house plants. But from the very beginning of the week, someone would break down my defense. A little girl named Caroline wanted me to talk her through the climbing wall- she wanted to reach the top so bad, her heart was in it. At first, I was irritated, but she started out strong and by the end she was cruising and I was yelling “keep going!” She rang the cow bell at the top and that night fell asleep in my lap at the nightly campfire program. A 7 year old boy named Teagan with blonde surfer dude hair came to help me carry ropes and harnesses. And this afternoon, he ran up to me, ramming his tiny body into my legs in a bear hug and told me he missed me when I was gone on my day off. His family was always thanking me for everything I was doing, but I don’t know what I’m doing! But their energy rubbed off on me, and I am now so happy to be here. I am wide open and THANKFUL, choosing to be connected and sewing God into the corners of my heart.

I see Jesus in these kids. In their parents. In the staff. In the meadow and the trails I run every afternoon. I feel His grace and persistence. Which fills my hope cup because I was not ready for this. But I am renewed because He is ready for everything.