I ran down to the dock; snow blowing into my face and stinging the skin on my neck. Who needs scarves?! Liberated. Braving the weather, stepping carefully to avoid slipping on the slush. The geese were still in the water- how can they stand it? I could see straight down to the greenish rocks walking out to the dock. I'm so in love with that place; funny how we fall in love with places so much easier than we fall in love with people sometimes. Or how much easier they are to love. Probably because they don't move, can't run from you or judge you and places don't care much what you think of them either. It was extra cold, but I laid back on the grates and put my feet over the edge; the white took up all my vision. I remembered what I'd read in The Help: "Cause that's the way prayer do. It's like electricity, it keeps things going." And I thought of all of us that need a little shock to the heart to keep us running this race, and sent a couple words of joy filled thanks waaaaay out into the whiteness, like they'd make the water ripple from bouncing around so happily.

the way you are.

Stephanie in the pottery studio

Embrace what you do best. You are talented in your own way! Sometimes I feel embarrassed when people say things like "You are a wonderful artist!" because it feels funny rolling off people's tongues on to the top of my head. Weird right? 

But then I remembered my best friend from 8th grade at public school. Her name was Sam and she had a beautiful voice. One day, we were waiting for the bus and I was feeling so blue! She sat criss-cross on the grass and told me to come sit in the space on top of her feet so she could wrap her arms around me. And she sang to me!! She did what she she did best for me, what service. 

Do not be embarrassed of what you do best, share it willingly and it will help others to embrace their best as well. I think I really do believe that. Paint and sing and create and give of yourself; it will inspire others to share and open up. 

ditches

When I was learning how to ride a bike, I kept falling in the ditch. I was adamant about riding without training wheels, so my father (such a patient saint) took them off before I was ready. He would drive the truck next to me as my five-year-old legs wobbled and jerked around and inevitably-- I always fell in the ditch. It was so gross, too. Scummy old water, filled with tad poles and blackberry vines dipping down, digging into my scrawny arms as I crawled onto the road. My dad would pull the bike out and we'd go home; I would sob uncontrollably. 

And we did that again and again and again. The same routine. Riding, falling, crying. This happens to all little kids, this routine. But I was falling into a DITCH. Filled with nasty dank water. 

But as expected, one day we made it around the whole block totally unscathed and it was the greatest day of my tiny life.

My dad and I are still doing that same routine, again and again. I'll send him texts saying, "Dad, I keep falling in the ditch!" and he pulls the bike out-- which is usually my negative/scared/arrogant/angry/confused/anxious/bitter attitude-- & says that he is praying for me.

Sometimes, I remind my parents to pray for me. And their response is the same: “how could you think that we are not praying for you, honey??” And I know there is a connection to be made here about letting someone you love free before they’re ready and watching with gritted teeth as they repeatedly drive themselves into a ditch and still sticking with them until they succeed; that there is a connection to be made about how this is the story we are all living and the story God has been telling to us since the beginning of forever, and will keep telling until the end of forever. And that we can take a little bit of comfort in that and be reassured that this is a block we will get around one day.

@$("R("EG@#"9aejfewiaof!

Solution: lighting stuff on fire.

I'm really trying to have a spirit of optimism about this whole Principles of Accounting thing...
It's been increasingly difficult. Time consuming. Draining. 

Why am I in this class again!? And WHY are there FOUR assignments + a project due during TEST week!?

There is a crack in the coffee table where I have been repeatedly smacking my forehead trying to answer those questions. 

56 Things

There's so much you can do with your time! You should never be bored! (Not that its not okay to be bored sometimes, maybe it's unavoidable). I found this great list and I'm going to start doing these things more often:

1. Read the archives of your favorite blogs. 
2. Build a fort.
3. Make some of your Pinterest pins
4. Get creative with your meals. 
5. Mend those clothes that need mending.
6. Watch the movies of your favorite actor/actress (Russell Crowe!!!)
7. Use those gift certificates!
8. Get organized
9. Cut your own hair
10. Test new hairstyles
11. Spa day at home
12. Take a picture an hour (doing this!)
13. Write letters by hand
14. Make gifts!
15. Tackle a nagging task
16. De-clutter
17. Clean your house from top to bottom
18. Clean your car
19. Come up with new outfit combinations
20. POTLUCKS!
21. Rearrange your house
22. Volunteer
23. Free library and community events
24. Sleep-in
25. Nap
26. Catch up on your reading
27. Go for a run
28. Go to the book store and peruse the magazines
29. Go Dumpster Diving!
30. Call your long-distance relatives
31. Organize your photos
32. Make cards
33. Make cookies
34. Update your to-do list
35. Write
36. Start a happy book
37. Go on a bike ride
38. Hike
39. See if your can return anything you've bought
40. Wash all your linens (Lord knows you need to!)
41. Look over your finances. 
42. Figure out your goals
43. Write a gratitude list
44. Have a sleepover
45. Make meaningful contact
46. Have your friend over
47. Bus it
48. Open Mic Night!
49. Free week at a new gym
50. Put things on Craigslist
51. Sell to a pawn shop
52. Do a clothing swap!
53. Hold a yard sale
54. Donate to the thrift shop
55. Connect with an old friend
56. Be anonymously nice

It doesn't work this way.

David and I backpacked across Europe a couple winters ago. I was searching for the perfect scarf- it needed to be soft and whipped and warm. After searching in Paris for 3 days with no luck, I came across a craft shop deep down an alleyway. 

The shelves were high with every single color of yarn you could imagine. Color coordinated and stacked with exact symmetry, each in it's own cubby-type box with a French label and a price in Euros. The shelves were high, wall-to-wall, and some boxes couldn't be reached without help.

I picked a thick red yarn. I sat in the icy train station and made my own scarf, knowing the only way to get what I wanted was to create it myself. 

I'm thinking so much of those shelves today. How nice it would be to put every project, every pain, every memory, every joy, every choice in a box. Organized, labeled. That I could pull off the shelf and create something out of whatever is inside whenever I want. 

But mostly, it would be so nice to be able to stand in front of the shelves with their boxes and not have to make a single decision. Just be able to look up at them, let them stay where I put them; knowing that I could stand there forever...not deciding anything. 

you know the place

The sun set was a quick killer; 
she scrambled hard and fast and accurate
up the shards of a boulder field 
To the base of a granite face- 
Birds could not have reached her.
She spread those lonely arms out like butter on bread- 
They were all giants and she was a pebble.
She pressed chapped lips up against all that rock;
against the things that would not change.
they were the exact weight of forever; unlike so many things
that change like paper into coins. 

wedding day!

Victoria & Charles got hitched last night- look at her! The prettiest girl in the world!