pretty pointless, but still...

Los Angeles, and the setting sun

It's sort of frustrating realizing that you've been doing something for a while and there's no point to it. Like why I stopped trying to keep the cat off the kitchen table, why I don't wear my glasses anymore except to look smart, and why I stopped setting my alarm for 5:45 AM when I know without a doubt that I will not get out of bed until 6:05 AM.

This is the realization Nick and I came to last week when we were hashing out how we were going to get from point A to point B with our relationship (hey, I know you're reading this and I just don't want you to care that I'm telling the good people of the Interwebs that we strive for quality and direction with each other. And just so everyone knows, we're still going to move back to the Northwest and open a food cart. Friends get a discount). And it is also the realization I'm coming to with this blog. I don't really know where I'm going with it. It is inspiring to see dedicated bloggers, writers, and speakers choose a concentration like sewing, cooking, adventuring, or religion that they consistently tell stories about. 

So I've been thinking about what I write about: People, events, things that strike me as important to my life, little life lessons, transitions, comedic happenings. Since I moved to California I have been listening to audiobook comedies during commutes and have rediscovered the importance of humor in my life. To look at life with Tina Fey tinted glasses. And it has lifted the burden of so many stressful things! One day I hope to compile many hilarious stories that probably only my mom will read, and that will be just fine. But right now, whatever I'm writing about is good for me. It is awesome to take a memory, a stressor, a feeling, a realization or connection, a story you feel is worth telling and taking the time to put it down on paper. The cathartic process is important to me, and to all writers, but maybe the content isn't always.  

Anyways, so yeah, there's no point. And there's no point to this post. But I don't want to stop writing. I love to write about the people in my life and where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I'm discovering. And that's okay for right now. Because they are just stories about life, and we're all living it. 

Heaven on the inside

I've been thinking a lot lately about how heaven is something that lives in me. It is a feeling, not so much a place right now, until one day it will become a place. I set up a lawn chair on the roof of Hacienda Buena last night, and it took two trips to get my book, journal, and smoothie up there. The sun was setting over this hill that I sometimes run on. I could see the dip of the city, the hills bursting up on either side and the glitter of sunlight speckled across the windows of houses. Heaven before has seemed so far off- a vacation that may or may not happen, something I'm trying to save up for and so sometimes I don't have my hopes up about it. 

And I've been wondering if the times when I've felt like I've really lived, fully and wholly, if I will ever feel like that again. How I felt alive in Spain, or with certain people, or when I had no where to go but open roads with zero plans. If I will ever feel free and wild when the pressure of jobs, family, and bills can't be ignored. I miss that feeling. But I'm beginning to feel it again- and here in the most unlikely of places and times. Far from my home and my people, and yet freedom and wildness and love came to me on the roof at sunset. The realization that God and heaven are a part of who I am. 

Perhaps I would acknowledge it more if I turned my phone off, sat in silence, smiled at people more, gave folks the time of day, loved deeper, judged less, forgave more. Remembered and told the story more.

Heaven is a feeling right now. And I can read about it, think about it, see pictures of what people think it will look like. But I can have it now, I think. I have everything I will ever want or need inside me, waiting to take off like a jet. Just gotta say the word, and we're off. 

I think this is beautiful; just wanted to share it.

doesn't always seem important

it doesn't always come as a stranger hands you a piece of paper

doesn't always come as a ring on your finger

doesn't always come as a hand is placed on a rock, the ascent

to the summit you've been staring at for years--

being part of something important

comes sometimes as the globe rolls slowly to it's side,

yawning. 

you wander along in a desert

and the stars drop off and the sun motions to salute

the morning; pressing off the body of mountains-

witness to yourself arising to newness-

the ongoing story of the universe

and the sentence you write

with your life

Swag + Stephanie

[The artist in her studio. Steph Smith.]

If there is one thing I would not want to give up career-wise, it would be working for a non-profit organization. This is probably because I have only worked for non-profit organizations and attended private schools my entire life. I appreciate the cause and hard work behind the 501(c)3 accreditation name tag.

But if there is one thing that made me question that, it was this: Last December, I went with my long-time (and beautiful, talented, amazing) roommate Stephanie Smith (she is not actually my roommate anymore, but we lived together for three years, so I don't know what else to call her) to her Christmas work party. Stephanie works at the Walla Walla Foundry, where huge and famous pieces of artwork are rendered and sent all over the world. I remember what came to my mind as I stepped into the exquisite winery building, with all the presents, the open bar, the beautiful dressed up people, the artwork:

Swag.

And it was then that I questioned my loyalty to the NPO. All the employees received lavish gifts from the president of the company, a free bottle of (super expensive) wine, an art book, and praise and attention plus Christmas bonuses. I know how hard Stephanie works, so I think she down-right-river deserves it! But I tried to look into my future and think about working for a non-profit international relief mission and I just didn't see any swag in that picture.

So I looked up a few jobs where they might celebrate big, and obviously nothing worked out and I'm still at a non-profit. But the thought of Stephanie and the Foundry still comes to mind; how they are doing something they believe in and that they love. They are sought after and know how to have fun at work. They are great at what they do. It's that old classic lesson! Do what you love and it won't feel like work. 

I've appreciated the years I've spent working for non-profits and I want to remember and resonate with the causes they fight for. And I want to believe that my heart is not so weak as to trade in the cooperative non-profit experience for a free coffee table book, though I want it badly sometimes. 

free at sea.

Things I am trying to stand on

Rules for Life 

Version 22-years old

[At the top of Badger Mountain, plus three!]

I've been keeping a little list on my phone for about a year now; keeping track of things I try to do deliberately and faithfully and humbly. Here they are (for now! I hope it keeps growing!)...

Look people in the eye
I've noticed that seeing people clearly face-to-face is similar to the refreshing feeling of jumping off a cliff into water. I love it! Faces are expressive and bright and all so different, and they are what you notice about someone right off the bat. I like looking into people's eyes because I like to think I am communicating to them, "I want to know you," or "I'm here for you." It places people on the same level. 

Be available
Love is availability. When someone needs to talk, talk to them. Do not turn them away when they seek you out. I have a deal with Jesus that He will send me the people He wants me to love on, that the words "I need to talk/I need you" from a friend is Jesus handing responsibility to me. And a little disclaimer: sticking to this "rule" has been challenging for me, but also the most rewarding. There have been lots of times when I've not turned into assignments, skipped important meetings, and ran late to work because someone needed to be held or talked to, counseled. Those key words mean I drop what I'm doing to catch up with someone because quality time fosters quality relationships. And I need that in a big way.

Write thank you notes
And write them with a real pen on real paper and put a stamp on it! So they know you mean it.

Save a little. Pay a little. Give a little.
You'll need to pay to live this life, our necessities come with price tags. So have a savings account, and pull out a little money from each paycheck to put in it; hopefully one day, I hope not to live paycheck to paycheck. Don't pay full price for stuff you don't need to. And because we are blessed with all we need, it is important to give back to God what is God's, to better the world for His good, so that the cycle continues. Just be smart with your money.

Practice what you're already good at
The world will tell you that if you're not a genius, a CEO, a star athlete, a goddess, or don't have a PhD you aren't good at anything. But think of everything you love to do, what you are good at right now. I honestly have always felt a little inadequate on the world's scale of one to ten because I am really bad at math. I use a calculator to add 2+2 and it still comes out to 5. BUT! I am really good at editing research papers, riding a bike, organizing things, using proper English, memorizing, and killing house plants.

Choose which battles you will fight
Realize you can't win them all either. This past year, I was serving as the president of the Amnesty Club at Walla Walla and we were discussing whether we wanted to work with a group whose goal was to abolish the death penalty in Washington. I met with their director and realized while I was talking to him that I was not sympathizing with the cause! It was a disheartening feeling because I wanted to feel concern for everyone that suffers injustice or faces grim circumstances. But in my mind I was thinking, "This is not my fight." I want to fight all the battles! But I'm going to have to choose just one or two to invest myself in. 

Be careful not to let your underwear show
There is nothing more unprofessional or more  reason to allow people to make fun of you than lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground. Or with your skirt up too high. Or your bra strap hanging out. Or your bra through a sheer top. Or...just don't let it show. (disclaimer: there are, however, times when it's totally appropriate to run around in your underwear or wear no clothes at all. Especially if you're in your own home or Eugene, Oregon). 

Follow through with commitments 
Maybe we should all practice small with this one. Maybe it's finishing college or just finishing washing the dishes. I spent a year not buying clothes and once I was six months in, I felt like I was good. I wanted to march myself over to the mall and get myself some nice jeans. But I'm so glad I didn't- I'm glad I finished that year committed to something important to me because there is a grand sense of accomplishment in doing that.

Believe people are good
I'll be honest, I like Beyonce a lot. But as I watched her perform at the Superbowl this past year with my parents and family friends, I was surprised that they didn't think she was the shiz! It was hard to get past the booty popping and all that thigh meat to see that she is a quality human being. Then the media started debating whether she was a good person or not. That was hard to swallow! I just want to believe that people are good- that within everyone, whether we know them or not, is something worth respecting and appreciating. Is this a controversial thing? I feel the same way about politicians, some professors I don't get along with, and ex-boyfriends. Please don't ever let me be the person that writes someone off (celebrity or not) simply because of what I see on the outside or because of something they've done that I may disagree with.

Laugh as much as you can 
If you can adopt a sense of humor about even the most disappointing situations, you will feel some resolve about what hurts you. When my grandfather passed away, I remember my Gram saying, "Oh we were planning on living forever! He really didn't hold up his part of the deal!" and she laughed through tears in her eyes. There is comfort and joy in laughter.   

Kindness is a choice
A sharp tongue cuts deep and doesn't always heal. In fourth grade, a girl who was my friend told me a boy I had a crush on didn't want to date me because I had a mustache. And okay, I kind of do but it's not a mustache! It's very soft, fine layer of slightly darker fuzz on my top lip. But ever since then, I've been bleaching it. So you can't even see it now and my boyfriend doesn't care at all what's on my face as long as he can kiss it. I've never gotten over that though, and it made me believe that because of my ethnicity, I'm not as beautiful as I could be (even though I do believe now that I am beautiful just the way I am. Cliche and true). Be kind whenever possible and build others up with your words. 

Plant seeds, even if they don't grow 
My brother asked me once, "What's the point of even trying to get rid the world of poverty when its really never going to happen?" To which I said loudly in a Mexican restaurant over burritos, "Because every life matters!" He looks at me skeptically cause he's just that kind of person. If you can't save them all, why try? Because if your efforts help just one person, then it was worth it.

Learn to eat with a knife
You will not believe how much easier it is to just use your knife instead of pushing your last little bite of food up onto your fork with your finger. It's also very classy. 

When you are feeling sorry for yourself, do something for someone else
When I start spiraling down the drain of self-pity and contempt for humanity, the main thing I want to do is eat pizza and watch Grey's Anatomy for hours alone in my room. My friend DaniJ says when I feel that self-depreciation rising, to write a card to someone who needs a kind word. Or to bake cookies for my neighbor. Or call my mother. There is always someone out there who will be happy to hear your voice, and there will be many happy returns from reaching out to someone else (when all you want is to wallow in your disappointments).

Don't be afraid to ask for a discount
We've gone over this a little: you'll have to pay up in this life, with real cash. Don't be afraid to ask for a coupon, a groupon, a discount, or buy in bulk. My friend Macie knows how to strike gold when it comes to shopping: "Discounts and sales! And Costco." I channel her whenever I go into a store. Money in the bank feels good, ka-ching! Paying full price is whack. Avoid it whenever possible.