For life.

Lately, and not so lately

Awkward space. That's where you'll find me. Not quite a believer, not quite a doubter, and not very interested in toeing any line in trying to define either of those. Respectful space is maybe a better name for it.

I'm Switzerland. Which my friend Walter would describe as neutral, but also armed. Each day, I wake with appreciate for life and sometimes total disgust for the frustrating things in life- going to a job I sometimes find boring, lack of sleep, sore muscles, a loud dog, a loud cat, loud neighbors, no money and lots of debt, and no toast left in the kitchen.

But I try to focus on the good things. Maybe sometimes that's all your can do. I'm excited to get married to my one true wild man lover in Yosemite; excited to see how far I can run without stopping; excited to catch up with my friends and know where they are right now, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I am excited to be a listener and a student right now.

I've received so much help and education in the past year, and the awkwardrespectful place it has put me in is just where I'm at. I'm not a fighter for much right now, but I stand up for my people and my causes. My brain is clear and my heart is in the right place, but I also know the world is just moving very quickly around me.

But for some reason, suddenly, that's fine. I'm good just being myself right now with no particular definition or shape or affiliation, and not having to justify any of that to anyone. I feel like I've been trying to get to this place for a while now- a place of peace and respect and love and sometimes, awkwardness :).

Welcome Back!

Right now, I am in a very different place than I was last year at this same time. Let's call it a place of doubts and softness and lots of work and stresses, but also a deep sea of real love. 

Writing is a tough gig to play, kids! And I was ready to finally put it to sleep, but then I got an email that said my alma mater is publishing FIVE of my poems in this year's journal of literature and art. Which made my whole heart cry because I swear I write nothing but absolute shit, and someone out there thought that was pretty special. 

So maybe I won't let this blog die quite yet. Maybe I'll just try to get something on here every now and then. I'm trying to focus on having new experiences and making new connections to the people in my tiny town. So welcome back and we'll see how this goes.  

From this place

We were driving through tiny towns

And up through the hills, when I spotted our name

On a street sign in Dayton.

"Your great granddad," said my father. 

We are from this place, the wheat fields

and the Columbia.

An overrun cemetery stands, despite the grass and weeds, 

and there my great grandmother is the earth the farmers plow.

I had never realized, when I was 8-years old, 

that when we abandoned the coastline 

we were coming back to the place 

where we always belonged. 

Where all the stars were named

for us, long before we were born.

A word to college kids.

There's a lot I want to tell college kids, even though it seems I was just one myself. Things like "don't pay too much for college" and "don't try to find a job right away" or "chase your curiosities, not your passions." Profound stuff, really! But I feel like it should be common sense, even though that's not how I did any of it.

Right out of college (expensive, private college), I got a job that sucked, didn't save any money, and did not take advantage of the opportunity right in front of me: six months of freedom before my loans were due. Then I had to find another job.

If you're a college kid, I'd suggest getting a couple credit cards and traveling. It will seem like a drop in the bucket when you start paying everything back. Just take your credit and go, go learn to BASE jump, or travel to Europe and see all the cathedrals, or go to all the National Parks in the United States (there are only 59).

Just go. Don't let the social obligations of society tell you who you need to be or what you should do with your life and your time. Time is not a renewable resource. You will never get today back. Just go live your life, the one you've always imagined.

I don't know if this video has anything to do with what I wrote, but I suggest just watching it and maybe it will help give you a taste of what it would be like to do what you love everyday, regardless of what happens.

Drums, salt, and sand.

Listen. For a drum and a war cry

and the piercing of a sky and the water

that is in all of us

that drains to all the seas and always comes back

Mark says we are all drums.

And I say we are all sand and salt, 

Easily worn away by the passing of time. 

What a relief to walk free into the red desert

and let the grains peel away, welcomed back into Her arms. 

What a relief to be able to play your own drum, 

loudly and with no regrets. 

Lion Hunting

I know I've written about goals, and that Nick and I had made a list together about things we wanted to accomplish in the next couple years. Well...one of those dreams came true two weeks ago. We picked up our little girl, Zuri the Rhodesian Ridgeback. 

I knew I wasn't going to make it much longer not having a dog- there was a big space in my life. And Nick has been absolutely committed to getting a Ridgeback. So we pinched our pennies and brought this little fine dime home. Ridgebacks were originally bred to hunt lions in South Africa, and they're a combinations of a lot of different breeds. She's already trying to keep BearCat in line (even though he literally doesn't do anything at all). 

We got her because we knew this would be the perfect companion for running and hiking, which we do a lot. We also really missed our community of people at the dog park and I'm super excited for her to finally finish her shots, attend her first puppy obedience class, and hit the park and meet all her new friends. 

Growing up, my parents never let my brother and I have a dog. That's okay, I'm making up for it now and I'm learning so much. First, that life with a dog is crazy and it's better than life without one. Second, dogs will always love you and they will never judge you. That's something I think everyone needs in their life more. And third, how to be kind and understanding. Not that I'm a mean person, but teaching them takes time and being gentle and patience is key. Having a dog makes me a better person.