owning it

MiVoden, forever ago.

Getting tested sucks. 

Taking math tests sucks, testing yourself sucks, getting evaluated sucks.

I have worked at the radio station since I was 17 years old and I have always always always hated air checks. Where I have to SIT and listen to the sound of my OWN voice as my Program Director, Ernest, scrutinizes over the way I talk. In fact, over the past couple years, I've done everything except lock Ernest out of the building in order to avoid having an air check. Last year, I successfully had two air checks. Good job, Becka. 

Today, I sat in his office and had my stupid air check. We were about 20 minutes into it and listening to a long talk break I had practice-recorded for him. I was pretty exasperated by then (I always think "I have been here for how long and I still have to do this?!). He listened, making questionable facial expressions and I sat in the chair of shame making equality as unpleasant expressions. Mostly flaring my nostrils. Like a bull. An angry bull. An angry Spanish, fighting-for-my-integrity bull. 

"What could you have done differently there?" I don't know the right answer to this question. Ever. I don't think there is a right answer. 

"I could have made it more concise and taken the first exit and probably talked a little slower," mentioning all my bad habits in a nice run-on sentence that usually answers "the question." But really I don't think I could have changed anything- but every track I listen to, I scour for flaws and imperfections and think so hard about how it could be better. Better and better until it's the best. 

"Yeah...no." What does that mean!? What do you want from me!? And he asks again, "What would you do differently?" And I answer with "NOTHING!!! I wouldn't do anything differently! It was perfect!"

He's laughing and all he says is "Yeah, it was. There wasn't anything wrong with it. You did fine."

FENWIAONSJAKFDJIOFEWNAFASKDNSJA!!!!

I'm so focused on the things that I'm doing wrong that I forget often about what I'm getting right. Today, I read this on an artist's blog: "My favorite verse is 2nd Corinthians 8:12 which says "For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have." I go to this verse when I feel inferior or insecure about my calling or purpose in life."

We could all be a little bit easier on ourselves.