so empty

I can’t imagine what it would be like to be perpetually hungry. Kate and I have been doing this totally ancient “cleansing” diet (that her family has been doing for years) this week. Just a week! And all I can think about when I collapse on my couch-turned-bed, as my stomach presses hard into my spine, is how you can’t spell diet without the word die.

That, and I also think a lot about brownies with chunky peanut butter. I probably think about that more than anything else.

Mostly- it’s just a lot of fruits and veggies, no salt, no sugar, no FUN. And I burn calories like crazy because I’m just always awake! So there have not been very many times that I’ve felt WEAK from lack of nutrition! I had no idea what I was getting into when Kate asked if I wanted to try it, I said “sure!” And once I start something, I don’t just quit. Even when my co-workers bring donuts into the office 3 out of 5 mornings of the week.

I tried to go on a run one morning and stopped two miles in for fear of not being able to make it all the way back home, cause I would be passed out on the road. And I thought “madre mia! People feel like this all over the world! ALL the time!” Its something I can’t comprehend. Like when I slept in the Brussels train station in December and saw two homeless men redefine what I thought of “freezing to death” while I sat staring at them wrapped in my fancy-pants North Face sleeping bag- and still chilled down to my core.

I’m concerned about this. About my stomach; other people’s stomachs. Because I ate a bell pepper, a million baby carrots, and a ¼ cup of hummus this morning and I FEEL like skin and bones. And there has not been such a terrible feeling as going to sleep knowing you’ll still be hungry the next day. I’m going to be so happy when this is over.

I’m choosing to do this- others don’t choose what they get to eat and when they want to eat it. Which is why I’m so concerned. So worried about all the empty stomachs.