Swag + Stephanie

[The artist in her studio. Steph Smith.]

If there is one thing I would not want to give up career-wise, it would be working for a non-profit organization. This is probably because I have only worked for non-profit organizations and attended private schools my entire life. I appreciate the cause and hard work behind the 501(c)3 accreditation name tag.

But if there is one thing that made me question that, it was this: Last December, I went with my long-time (and beautiful, talented, amazing) roommate Stephanie Smith (she is not actually my roommate anymore, but we lived together for three years, so I don't know what else to call her) to her Christmas work party. Stephanie works at the Walla Walla Foundry, where huge and famous pieces of artwork are rendered and sent all over the world. I remember what came to my mind as I stepped into the exquisite winery building, with all the presents, the open bar, the beautiful dressed up people, the artwork:

Swag.

And it was then that I questioned my loyalty to the NPO. All the employees received lavish gifts from the president of the company, a free bottle of (super expensive) wine, an art book, and praise and attention plus Christmas bonuses. I know how hard Stephanie works, so I think she down-right-river deserves it! But I tried to look into my future and think about working for a non-profit international relief mission and I just didn't see any swag in that picture.

So I looked up a few jobs where they might celebrate big, and obviously nothing worked out and I'm still at a non-profit. But the thought of Stephanie and the Foundry still comes to mind; how they are doing something they believe in and that they love. They are sought after and know how to have fun at work. They are great at what they do. It's that old classic lesson! Do what you love and it won't feel like work. 

I've appreciated the years I've spent working for non-profits and I want to remember and resonate with the causes they fight for. And I want to believe that my heart is not so weak as to trade in the cooperative non-profit experience for a free coffee table book, though I want it badly sometimes. 

free at sea.

Things I am trying to stand on

Rules for Life 

Version 22-years old

[At the top of Badger Mountain, plus three!]

I've been keeping a little list on my phone for about a year now; keeping track of things I try to do deliberately and faithfully and humbly. Here they are (for now! I hope it keeps growing!)...

Look people in the eye
I've noticed that seeing people clearly face-to-face is similar to the refreshing feeling of jumping off a cliff into water. I love it! Faces are expressive and bright and all so different, and they are what you notice about someone right off the bat. I like looking into people's eyes because I like to think I am communicating to them, "I want to know you," or "I'm here for you." It places people on the same level. 

Be available
Love is availability. When someone needs to talk, talk to them. Do not turn them away when they seek you out. I have a deal with Jesus that He will send me the people He wants me to love on, that the words "I need to talk/I need you" from a friend is Jesus handing responsibility to me. And a little disclaimer: sticking to this "rule" has been challenging for me, but also the most rewarding. There have been lots of times when I've not turned into assignments, skipped important meetings, and ran late to work because someone needed to be held or talked to, counseled. Those key words mean I drop what I'm doing to catch up with someone because quality time fosters quality relationships. And I need that in a big way.

Write thank you notes
And write them with a real pen on real paper and put a stamp on it! So they know you mean it.

Save a little. Pay a little. Give a little.
You'll need to pay to live this life, our necessities come with price tags. So have a savings account, and pull out a little money from each paycheck to put in it; hopefully one day, I hope not to live paycheck to paycheck. Don't pay full price for stuff you don't need to. And because we are blessed with all we need, it is important to give back to God what is God's, to better the world for His good, so that the cycle continues. Just be smart with your money.

Practice what you're already good at
The world will tell you that if you're not a genius, a CEO, a star athlete, a goddess, or don't have a PhD you aren't good at anything. But think of everything you love to do, what you are good at right now. I honestly have always felt a little inadequate on the world's scale of one to ten because I am really bad at math. I use a calculator to add 2+2 and it still comes out to 5. BUT! I am really good at editing research papers, riding a bike, organizing things, using proper English, memorizing, and killing house plants.

Choose which battles you will fight
Realize you can't win them all either. This past year, I was serving as the president of the Amnesty Club at Walla Walla and we were discussing whether we wanted to work with a group whose goal was to abolish the death penalty in Washington. I met with their director and realized while I was talking to him that I was not sympathizing with the cause! It was a disheartening feeling because I wanted to feel concern for everyone that suffers injustice or faces grim circumstances. But in my mind I was thinking, "This is not my fight." I want to fight all the battles! But I'm going to have to choose just one or two to invest myself in. 

Be careful not to let your underwear show
There is nothing more unprofessional or more  reason to allow people to make fun of you than lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground. Or with your skirt up too high. Or your bra strap hanging out. Or your bra through a sheer top. Or...just don't let it show. (disclaimer: there are, however, times when it's totally appropriate to run around in your underwear or wear no clothes at all. Especially if you're in your own home or Eugene, Oregon). 

Follow through with commitments 
Maybe we should all practice small with this one. Maybe it's finishing college or just finishing washing the dishes. I spent a year not buying clothes and once I was six months in, I felt like I was good. I wanted to march myself over to the mall and get myself some nice jeans. But I'm so glad I didn't- I'm glad I finished that year committed to something important to me because there is a grand sense of accomplishment in doing that.

Believe people are good
I'll be honest, I like Beyonce a lot. But as I watched her perform at the Superbowl this past year with my parents and family friends, I was surprised that they didn't think she was the shiz! It was hard to get past the booty popping and all that thigh meat to see that she is a quality human being. Then the media started debating whether she was a good person or not. That was hard to swallow! I just want to believe that people are good- that within everyone, whether we know them or not, is something worth respecting and appreciating. Is this a controversial thing? I feel the same way about politicians, some professors I don't get along with, and ex-boyfriends. Please don't ever let me be the person that writes someone off (celebrity or not) simply because of what I see on the outside or because of something they've done that I may disagree with.

Laugh as much as you can 
If you can adopt a sense of humor about even the most disappointing situations, you will feel some resolve about what hurts you. When my grandfather passed away, I remember my Gram saying, "Oh we were planning on living forever! He really didn't hold up his part of the deal!" and she laughed through tears in her eyes. There is comfort and joy in laughter.   

Kindness is a choice
A sharp tongue cuts deep and doesn't always heal. In fourth grade, a girl who was my friend told me a boy I had a crush on didn't want to date me because I had a mustache. And okay, I kind of do but it's not a mustache! It's very soft, fine layer of slightly darker fuzz on my top lip. But ever since then, I've been bleaching it. So you can't even see it now and my boyfriend doesn't care at all what's on my face as long as he can kiss it. I've never gotten over that though, and it made me believe that because of my ethnicity, I'm not as beautiful as I could be (even though I do believe now that I am beautiful just the way I am. Cliche and true). Be kind whenever possible and build others up with your words. 

Plant seeds, even if they don't grow 
My brother asked me once, "What's the point of even trying to get rid the world of poverty when its really never going to happen?" To which I said loudly in a Mexican restaurant over burritos, "Because every life matters!" He looks at me skeptically cause he's just that kind of person. If you can't save them all, why try? Because if your efforts help just one person, then it was worth it.

Learn to eat with a knife
You will not believe how much easier it is to just use your knife instead of pushing your last little bite of food up onto your fork with your finger. It's also very classy. 

When you are feeling sorry for yourself, do something for someone else
When I start spiraling down the drain of self-pity and contempt for humanity, the main thing I want to do is eat pizza and watch Grey's Anatomy for hours alone in my room. My friend DaniJ says when I feel that self-depreciation rising, to write a card to someone who needs a kind word. Or to bake cookies for my neighbor. Or call my mother. There is always someone out there who will be happy to hear your voice, and there will be many happy returns from reaching out to someone else (when all you want is to wallow in your disappointments).

Don't be afraid to ask for a discount
We've gone over this a little: you'll have to pay up in this life, with real cash. Don't be afraid to ask for a coupon, a groupon, a discount, or buy in bulk. My friend Macie knows how to strike gold when it comes to shopping: "Discounts and sales! And Costco." I channel her whenever I go into a store. Money in the bank feels good, ka-ching! Paying full price is whack. Avoid it whenever possible. 

Why you should carry a resume with you at all times.

[obviously, no comparison]

This past April, Rob Bell was doing a tour for his new book and we went to Beaverton to hear him speak at Powell's Books with our friends Lacey and Greg. I'm such a huge fan of Rob's; I am so totally down with the way he writes and I swoon over those hipster glasses he wears (Nick also wears glasses and is the hottest man alive). 

I had been looking for jobs as graduation was approaching quickly. And as Rob talked, he kept mentioning how excited he was to be working in Los Angeles on a new project. I thought, "Hey! I could definitely help him with that!" I then whispered to Nick that I was going to give Rob my number. I took a receipt out of my pocket and wrote "REBECCA HANAN. I'M NICE AND QUALIFIED" on the back of it along with my email and phone number. And I should note that when you write that, you should believe that about yourself.

But I began to question those things about myself as we got in line to have him sign our books, my palms started to sweat a little. What was I doing?! Is it okay to give famous people your phone number?! Is there a rule against doing that?! What if he doesn't want it?! There was no turning back and I did not want to chicken out in front of my friends.

As I handed him a book to sign, he saw the paper in my hand and said, "Oh hey what's that paper?" and what followed was this:

My brain: "OMG ROB BELL MAAAAAHERENIHIPSTERGLASSESAOCNDSKALSAKLSCDL!!!"

What actually came out of my mouth: "Yes! I wanted to tell you that I am looking for work, I'm graduating from college in June, and I would be THE BEST assistant in the world. Call me if you need someone in LA." 

He laughed, took the paper and told me he was really happy I told him that and thank you. We walked out of the store and I thought about the piece of receipt burning a hole in his pocket. He probably already had the best assistant in the world, but maybe he could call anyways? 

I was proud of myself for putting myself out there. That was important to me; the moment I took a chance to tell someone I truly admire that I wanted to be a part of what they were doing, and to "call me. I'm can help." 

hips and their truths.

Yesterday was the hardest and easiest yoga class I've ever been to. Simple stretches, but so much concentration dedicated to doing them right. With the right muscles tightened and flexed, the right breathing, the right amount of stretch. "Bring your belly to your spine and breath out...flex the front of your thighs, it should loosen up the back of your thighs..." (sidenote: those are not muscle I know how to use, so I kind of just flexed a lot of different muscles and rolled with it). But as we sat with legs crossed and our instructor told us all how to sit properly so our spines were looooong, and the sides of our feet lay flat, she said to talk to our bodies in our heads... 

"You need to have a conversation with your hips
And tell them that they don't need to be doing
Anything
at all
Right now."

I had been trying to pull myself closer to my toes, but as I talked my hips down from the ledge, breathing in rhythm with the strangers around me, my body relaxed. "Hey, I know we've been sitting in an office chair and wearing heels all day and you're upset about that. But you don't need to hold me up right now, so take a sec and chill," is what I told them gently.

I was relieved to lay on my back at the end of class, the teacher turned the lights down and we all breathed together for five whole minutes. The lady next to me was breathing so deep, I thought she had dozed off. At the end we said our namaste's and I popped my hips back into gear. It felt so good to stand, I could feel them telling me internally, "thanks, we needed that." 

C A L I F O R N I A

[Hacienda Buena]

I'm living in a trailer, and it's actually really wonderful. And I have a kitten named Bear who lives there with me. The first night my mom and I arrived in Newbury Park (a smaller city caught in the borders of the Los Angeles area), I was mad. I'd never driven in traffic like LA's before and my whole body felt like a crumpled ball of aluminum foil with jagged points. My eyes were crossed I was so frustrated. Since then, I've been trying to decide if I will stay here due to the fact that "people are on acid, clearly." Nick drove me to Glendale my first two days of work.

But oh!...everything is okay now. I hardly notice traffic anymore when I commute back and forth to Glendale at 6:30 in the morning, and then again at 6:30 at night. I've invested in audiobooks! To distract me from the desire to kill other aggressive drivers. Tina Fey's Bossypants has been the cheapest road rage therapy money can buy.

My grandmother tells me it takes at least three weeks to adjust to being in a new place. And it does! It does! This is the third week I've been living here and I'm beginning to make head way with my job, decorating my Hacienda Buena, I've already killed one house plant! The beach is 30 minutes away and even though I can't will myself into the water, I can sit and enjoy watching people surf. Pelicans fly so close to the water, they create ripples. Surfboards are stored in the back of my car. I can see Target from my front porch (sidenote: in Walla Walla, the closest Target is an hour away. It is also the Taj Mahal of shopping. Which is the only reason mentioning it's close proximity is important).

I also opened a new bank account today- momentous because I have been banking with the same small credit union in the Northwest since I was twelve. Now I have a new paycheck in a new bank with a new debit card. How strange! But I am becoming a little more stable right where I am, and in the process I am also becoming more grateful for where I've come from and where I am going. 

staying where the air is.

[Jordan in Sandpoint...cause I have no pictures of today]

It’s been hard getting back in the ocean since last fall when I nearly drowned at Pacific City. The feeling breaks my heart a little bit every time I stand in the shallow white water than breaks around my thighs. We lived in north Washington when I was young and each time we went to the sea, no matter the weather, I was in the water. If you don’t find the ocean mysterious and exciting, I want to take you in the water with me and show you how unafraid you should be. How shroud in wonder you could be in the sea; it is full of personality and power.

That is- if I can ever get back in it. This weekend, Nick and John Lubke tried to coax me into the waves near Laguna Beach. But each time I felt the thrust of “okay, I’m going in!” my feet became cemented to the shore by fear. The two of them dove under big waves, coming up on the other side unscathed and breathing.

I felt so ridiculous as I was about to run out into it, freed from fear and driven by my own will power, but then immediately chickened out and ran back to safety, because those waves looked like they had teeth. I almost began to cry, because suddenly I had become someone else! Someone who is very afraid! I am confused by my own inability to act like myself- someone who loves the ocean and wants to be fully engulfed in it.

But as I stood still where Nick left me in the water, a wave passed over my head and I toppled over. I stood up in water up to my knees after the small roll, snorting water out my nose, and announced that I was done. And Nick walked me to the shore.

This is sad to me, but it is a challenge! To let myself fall into forgiveness with the ocean and feel the hug of her waves again. 

lost; found in the wilderness

[Zion National Park; Nick is a monkey]

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.
It doesn't matter.
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come, even if you have broken your vow

a thousand times
Come, yet again, come, come. 

-Rumi

Writings from the office in a city.

It just became so suddenly obvious, as I'm sitting in this new office, that I have not heard music for almost a whole week. I have not heard many familiar voices, or walked on familiar ground since last Thursday. I have turned on Ben Howard immediately, quickly like the action of running a burned hand under ice-cold water. So that maybe this unfamiliar place where I stand will feel a little more like the forests and wheat fields at home in the Northwest, with familiar music bouncing off tree trunks and earth and the roads that lead between them.