staying where the air is.

[Jordan in Sandpoint...cause I have no pictures of today]

It’s been hard getting back in the ocean since last fall when I nearly drowned at Pacific City. The feeling breaks my heart a little bit every time I stand in the shallow white water than breaks around my thighs. We lived in north Washington when I was young and each time we went to the sea, no matter the weather, I was in the water. If you don’t find the ocean mysterious and exciting, I want to take you in the water with me and show you how unafraid you should be. How shroud in wonder you could be in the sea; it is full of personality and power.

That is- if I can ever get back in it. This weekend, Nick and John Lubke tried to coax me into the waves near Laguna Beach. But each time I felt the thrust of “okay, I’m going in!” my feet became cemented to the shore by fear. The two of them dove under big waves, coming up on the other side unscathed and breathing.

I felt so ridiculous as I was about to run out into it, freed from fear and driven by my own will power, but then immediately chickened out and ran back to safety, because those waves looked like they had teeth. I almost began to cry, because suddenly I had become someone else! Someone who is very afraid! I am confused by my own inability to act like myself- someone who loves the ocean and wants to be fully engulfed in it.

But as I stood still where Nick left me in the water, a wave passed over my head and I toppled over. I stood up in water up to my knees after the small roll, snorting water out my nose, and announced that I was done. And Nick walked me to the shore.

This is sad to me, but it is a challenge! To let myself fall into forgiveness with the ocean and feel the hug of her waves again.