Let it sink in.

This is the song my soul has been singing all day long. 

Sums + Totals

It's been a while, hasn't it? It impressive how much Nick and I have packed into the last month. A total of 2 car accidents, from which we both walked away unhurt. 1 narrowly avoided accident, to which we were the first on the scene. I held a girl's hand as she took deep shaky breaths, and I called emergency services while standing in the middle of an icy highway.

A total of 1.5 drives up and down the West Coast. Moving into 2 different apartments back in our college town. A total of $136.00 I spent at Costco to fill that apartment with food, something that was unheard of back in Hacienda Buena, my beloved fifth-wheel trailer in California. Celebrating Christmas 3 times now, all with different groups of people. A total of 10 days spent at my old job doing new things. And innumerable hugs and well wishes from so many folks; people we left in California, people who have received us back with open arms.

If one can be so open and honest, it would suffice to simply say that I felt stuck in California. Stuck in a job that held no hope for the future, stuck financially because of living in an expensive area and filling my gas tank, stuck in a spiritual rut of anger at my church. And as I did the sad equations in my head, there was only one place I wanted to come back to.

The radio station is the last place I thought I'd end up at. And so I am surprised at how totally okay I am with being here; with my little radio family and living in my little house of best friends. 

(Total number of times I've visited the humane society this week: 3. And I've come home empty handed because as Nick keeps reminding me, there is no room in my apartment for a homeless, hungry Doberman.)

There is such a desire to fill up my life with goodness and love. To fill my days at work being useful, to come home and be happy, to go play outside or even visit the gym and be healthy, to read and be educated. And always, to simply move forward, wildly and freely, with zest and energy. 

PS: Come visit me! :) 

so often staying + leaving

"You come from a long line of educators," that's what I keep telling myself. My grandparents and my parents; my mother hold awards in teaching. So I don't understand how my jump into education doesn't come easy. Even though education is the solution to so many problems...
I have felt alone in it, working alone. And I also have been sleeping alone in my lonely house. I don't like sleeping in such an empty space. It's cold, even with taking all the blankets to myself. I remember times when it was so good to share blankets- that one time Janae crawled into bed with me with frozen toes. Many camping trips and sleepovers, nights in the back of the truck, movies on the couch. One time at Vantage at 2 AM, under a blanket of stars, I stuffed my down comforter deep into David's sleeping bag even though he was sandwiched between us. He was shivering for more- warmth & closeness. And I need more- probably more education honestly. I don't know enough about lots of things. And while I'm here, 23 years young, I'm trying to allow myself movement.
But I come from such a long line of educators! That's what doesn't change- the educators. How I need to be their advocate. How they don't get a fair deal, how they feel often cheated and frustrated, going to bed alone with their stressors, like I do often. Makes me want to stuff myself into a sleeping bag, too, and not come out.Or I could decide to come out, be wild, find warmth under the sky, and God's bright safe blanket of stars.

funny faces + easy remedies.

On a boat! Safer than our car...

My eyebrow has been twitching for a week now; little uncontrollable muscle spasms causing my left eye to to shimmy and shake. It never announces when it's going to start or stop. I finally googled "Why is my eyebrow twitching?" and learned that I needed to drink less coffee, more water, and sleep for eight hours. Another remedy would be to give my face a mini massage- give it some focused physical attention and it should settle down. That sorta made sense to me since a good "remedy" for people having anxiety attacks is a bear hug, to bring down their blood pressure.

The other night, Nick and I were in a car accident* on our way back to California after Thanksgiving break. When the car behind us smashed into the back of the Subaru out of the blue, I hit the bridge of my nose on the steering wheel and involuntarily began shaking, unable to hold still, just like my eyebrow. The grinding metal and shattering glass sounded disgusting. I saw our bikes, previously perched on the rack, lying entangled on the highway behind us. My brain power went pretty kaput at that point.

But it's Wednesday now and I remember that at one point the always-supremely-calm Nick had grabbed my face in the middle of my shock; he was checking to see if I was hurt and asked if I was okay. Which eventually I was after he held my face, held my hand, held my body tightly up against his on the side of that traffic-jammed highway, giving it some of that much needed focused attention. 


*don't worry, we're totally fine.

It's November 29 and it's Birthday Time

Amsterdam, 2010 above and 2009 below

Whenever the clock turns to 11:29, the time has arrived to make a wish! Because ever since we were in high school, Kate Beck has been conditioning me to always make a wish on her birthday time. This year, I wish that everyone would get to know her a little better, so here you go!

1.       Her birthday is November 29. Whew, got that out of the way.

2.       She can run for days, or at least 12 miles (so however long that takes).

3.       Naturally blonde, but naturally smart as well.

4.       Naturally doesn’t get blonde jokes the first time around.

5.       Despite those things, has also learned how to do a handstand. 

6.       Is a super nerd (which means she's an English major).

7.       Could also pass as a super model.

8.       If she can add sweet potato to any given dish (or situation), she will.

9.       Can have a conversation with a llama.

10.   She will make you play Dutch Blitz, even if you don't want to.

11.   Manages to find all the good deals at yard sales.

12.   One time tortured me by making me do a cleansing diet with her for a week.

13.   Fluent in Spanglish.

14.   She is very good at harmonizing; in song, with babies, birds, kittens, but not directly with nature.

15.   Does not like nature.

16.   Does not like hiking.

17.   Does not like camping.

18.   Does not like dirt.

19.   Does not like sleeping outside.

20.   Does not like fire drills.

21.   Does not like being made fun of.

22.   Does not like it when she is not in the middle of the group photo.

23.   Yet always seems to be in the middle of the group photo.

24.   Has a perfect nose.

25.   But also has a college degree!

26.   Will eat directly off your plate without permission.

27.   Maintains an open closet policy with me. What’s mine is yours, even though I may never get it back (you are never going to wear all those sweaters anyways!).

28.   All the workout playlists on my iPod, she made.

29.   I look like a confused, weak, mangy ferret working out next to her so I try to avoid that at all costs. No one looks that good when they lift weights. Or run. Or do crunches. Or walk in general.

30.   Has always let me copy her Spanish homework. And math homework. And English homework. As well as History of Adventism homework.

31.   Has such a swagger that I would recognize that booty anywhere in the world, as long as she’s walking away from me.

32.   Gives the best gifts, and the best hugs.

33.   Makes the best coffee (and always remembers what you usually order).

34.   Creates so beautifully.

35.   Dances so wildly.

36.   Laughs so heartily!

37.   Believes so deeply.

38.   Loves so fully.

39.   Lives so freely.  

And truly, she is my greatest friend. Love you, bestie boo. Hope I didn't offeeeeeend yooooou! <3

Joshua Tree

A weekend of firsts: first time in Joshua Tree, first time using anchors made from cams and webbing and whatever else Sean rigged up, and first time Kjohn has ever climbed outdoors. Which is all good and quite significant.

the signature of every thing.

Let me preface this by saying, I am not disappointed at all  by the book I'm reading, but I do feel a little cheated by it because the title sucked me in- The Signature of All Things. When I read about part way through the book that the idea of "the signature of all things" was that God had pressed Himself into nature, like a lithograph, so that there would be signs and trails to him through every bit of nature, every flower, petal, stem, tree, and blade of grass- I thought that was extremely beautiful. And then there was no more elaboration in the book about it! That was the disappointing part. 

But it did make me think of where I see the signature of all things. Where God has pressed Himself into this planet and my life and the faces of my friends and family and strangers, too. It makes me think of my friend Danielle's mom who had knit her a blanket, and said prayers for Danielle the entire time she was weaving it together, so that her mother's prayer for her daughter would be caught in between the loops. To be carried always and lead Danielle back to where she came. The signature of a mother. 

It made me think of how I make fun of Nick because his eyes make the ladies swoon. I often tell him that we get a table right away at a restaurant or complimentary stuff because they'll look into his deep blue eyes and be instantly lost. But those are the same eyes that have witnesses so much life- and so much of my life! It is amazing that I can look into his eyes and know that there is something so far back in them, what they have seen, that brings me back home to his heart. And his to mine. That is a signature too. 

Or how I, too, like in the book, have examined a flower and found God's handwriting in it's wiring. In the way it moves and works and it is so similar to the way I move and I work. The joints and veins, my elbows and knees, and blood rushing back and forth to my heart. And I am in wonder and awe of how God has pressed Himself into me, as well, and I can look at my own hands and find Him there.