here is the plan- it's you.

if i've learned anything about myself, its that i don't transition very well. new school years, haircuts, moving to a new house, new jobs and trying a new toothpaste. its stresssssful! i wrote to my dad when i was in spain after i'd been there for about 3 months and told him i could finally see a plane in the sky and feel like i didn't want to be on it and he went, "you've transitioned!" 

i applied to be my friend Matt's assistant for next school year. i did it sort of mindlessly- filled out the application, printed off my resume and wrote a letter of intent, blah blah, etc etc. he's going to be the Spiritual VP for ASWWU- which is important because he will have to organize spiritual events that will make deep imprints on people's hearts and minds. in turn, it would make what i do imperative because Matt is the 'big idea' guy and i'm the 'make it happen' girl.

i wasn't really thinking of that when i turned in the application though, and late for that matter. he said to meet for lunch at Subway so we could interview- i'm sure it's because he wanted see if i was really what he needed. if i could really do the job. on the drive to Subway, i shot up a last-minute prayer. "hey, sorry that i...haven't talked to You about this before, but I applied for this job- soooo... let Your will be done! amen." 

prayers like that leave me feeling tired. because i know i'm trying to take control of my own life.

i pulled into the parking lot and noticed there was a man on the other side of the intersection (the one that's right by the College Place Walmart), holding a sign with the usual "Homeless. Anything helps. Thank you, God bless." i ran over to the opposite corner and yelled above the cars zooming by- 

"HEY! ARE YOU HUNGRY?!?" 

He shook his head and I made unnecessary giant motions with my arms for him to come to my side of the intersection. "Hey, I'm Becka." "I'm Scott." "Do you want to eat with me?" "Yes please, ma'am." "Okay, let's go! You can get whatever you want!!" We went through line and we got the meatiest, veggie-est, sauce-iest sandwiches. When we sat down, he told me about how he's doing his best to take care of his wife, Caroline, and how they are blessed with each other, even when they have nothing. 

Matt showed up late. I dismissed myself from Scott and went to sit down with Matt. "So here's the idea for next year..." he began. "I've already hired one assistant and i'm thinking of another, and then there's you. The three big things we're gonna do are the Agape Feast- that's for Savonna; the big concert- that's Tyler's deal and then I was looking for someone to help me with...homeless outreach. Becka- how do you feel about homeless outreach?" 

He had a smirk on his face, and i thought for a moment he was kidding, and all i could say was "ummm" and direct my eyes back towards where Scott was sitting, finishing his sandwich. Matt let out a loud burst of laughter "dude, becka, YOU'RE HIRED!" He said he had prayed on the way over that God would let him know if i was the right person for the job, and he knew i was when he walked in to see me eating with Scott. 

maybe transitioning is difficult because it makes me feel so out of control; because its inevitable and i want to lay down my own floor plans. i have a good job right now working at the radio station, i wasn't even sure if i needed to pick up another one for next year. but i saw that i could do it, so why wouldn't i? this is my constant cycle of taking control. my perpetual line goes something like "do i tell you to do, because i know what i'm doing!" i blatantly refuse to let go- & then transitioning is a lot like trying to turn a screw with my...i don't know, my eyeballs. nearly impossible. 

i specifically ask God- often- for opportunities, to open doors so that i can meet Him where I finally leave myself behind. but i want to see the opportunities with my own eyes, as if He owns me explanations. as if i don't trust Him to do the right thing.

then i'm shocked to see my plans in the eyes of someone else, looking at me answering "yes" from across the table, eating sandwiches. shocked. out of control. blindsided and thankful.