let me communicate this thought to you.

My friend Mark McMillan is more wild than dirt. Mark also has wild ideas. And he told me about one the other night when we crossed paths on College Avenue and sat down on the cold grass. 

He and his best friend (also named Mark, for novelty purposes I'm sure) had just gone on a backpacking trip that weekend where they did not speak to each other, by choice. They purposefully walked into the wild and planned on not saying a word to each other. 

As a student who has studied communication for the last five years, this made my heart rate speed up.  

Because I've always been taught that you can never be void of communication; communication is unavoidable. Even if you are silent, you are communicating a message. Even if you are holding still, you are communicating a signal. 

And tears began to well up in my eyes and I was wringing my hands saying, "That is so scary! I could never do that!" It was the end of a long couple weeks that had been filled with choppy communication with my family, my best friends, my God, and no communication at all with others; the final being the worst and most apparent. 

"Maybe that means you should try it!" is what he says, laughing that I'm so distraught. I could just imagine myself on top of a mountain with Mark, bawling my eyes out because I just want to know if he wants me to help him set up the tent! The uncertainty of the situation would kill me.

How many times have you just wanted someone to tell you what to do? Tell you how they are feeling, what they are thinking, planning, creating, wanting, hating, loving...

Imagine if you suddenly couldn't speak someone you're in a relationship with? What if they never communicated to you what irritates them, what they expect? What if you were the one that couldn't communicate a thought to them, a desire or a dream? Oh man, I can't believe I'm writing this, watch me start to panic again! The uncertainty would kill you. 

Uncertainty is the reason I walk away from relationships, friendships, job opportunities, new flavors of potato chips and alpine skiing. Because we just don't. know. the. outcome. 

It's why I have walked away from God in the past. Communication fell through the cracks in the floor and it felt so over. That's what walking into a vast wilderness and being silent the whole time means to me. But Mark and Mark didn't come to the end of their friendship out there on the trail. 

"It was such an incredible peace that came over us." Simply dwelling in the proximity of a friend brought peace, and not the kind that comes from communicating problems, questions, statements and thoughts out loud. But the kind that makes you feel comfortably safe in the presence of another being. Communicating your true self, how you are right then.

God communicates with us by "not" communicating sometimes. And hikes the mountains with me and you in silence when we can't talk about it, don't know what to say, or need to process everything in order to make our decision. He simply walks with us, carrying the packs and listening to the sounds of our heartbeats.

stop this train.

Midnight ride to Bristol. 2010.

I am SO AT A LOSS as to what to put down in words! Everything is a'jumbled and out of order. Like a tangled ball of yarn. Or the current state of my dirty hair. Turned my phone off. Heated up my cold coffee. Told someone to stop before they started. Blew out the bathroom light bulb. Arrived to the day, fresh at 5:30. Scraped ice from the windows. Spray painted a table. Ran through Home Depot...again. Hand washed sweaters in the tub. Prayed so helplessly for help. For others. For me. For generosity and broken hearts. Need a boat, need a plane. Need to be off this train.

be still.

It's early and I'm sitting at my desk at work. Everything is really quiet- the space heater is humming by my feet. Outside, it's frigid. There's lots of apple slices and peanut butter and coffee within my reach. And I'm feeling calm- like everything is under control. But not my control. Exodus 14:14 says, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." In reality, there's still a lot of things on my to-do list, and I've been scrambling hard and staying up too late, waking up too early (ooooh that sounds like a Jack Johnson song!) trying to fit everything in. Trying to get it under control! It perpetually feels like the last leg of a long race, where my lungs are deflating quick with the finish line always just out of my reach & there's an army of insecurities, activities, obligations, fears, and dreams chasing me down. But Jesus says to be still. Stop in the middle of the road and let those things come at you, don't be afraid; He's fighting.
So I'm just gonna sit here. Real quiet. And let Him do what He can, while I do what I can.

mountains.

"Take advantage of the opportunity to turn the page and start out fresh. You can do it, I believe in you. So move forward and don't be sad about the past. We're done back there. Its not worth your attention or your regret. You should go mountain climbing. Stop talking about how you want to go do these things and just go do them! Follow through! You are a STRONG CHRISTIAN WOMAN and you need to just wrap your head around that fact. Seriously. Okay. Now." - A letter from Victoria. 

experiencing salt.

Lacey, Daniel, Courtney, Kevin, Spencer, Kjohn, J-Hards, Greg, Nick, Mark, and Carly. Just a few salty people :).

Matthew 5 says that we are the salt of the earth. We are flavorful and should bring that out in others, too!

And the people in my life are so salty! They are SO GOOD. They are gold. My family is encouraging and always anxious to listen to me. My schedule is water-tight, no spaces. Yesssss okay, this is reality! but people are SO GOOD, and that  is reality too and they spread sunshine on my life like butter on bread in the summer heat. --it melts, and drips and soaks in. Oh, it's good. So good.

I've found that if I just sit near Sean while I do accounting, I do better! Sometimes all you need is someone that supports you and tells you that you can do it. And Sean, who is an accounting major, obviously knows I can do it because I've been blazing through assignments, asking intermittent questions and getting them RIGHT. Holy cow- who knew I could do math! And his words of encouragement, "Becka, I will help you WHENEVER you need it. You'll do great!"

John Lubke was visiting last week and simply his presence made day-to-day living a little richer. He is an amazing human being. It was a blessing to have so much time to talk with him.

Janae, my roommate, crawled into bed with me at 5:30am Thursday morning, whining and mumbling, "MMMMmmmy feet are cooooollddd." And we wrapped up in all my quilts and slept in warm contentment before she took off for class. My other roommate KD always checks on me throughout the day, with texts like "Hey giiiiiirl! How's your day?! Tell me if you want coffee! You hungry?? I love you, giiiiiiirl!"

People are feeding me. Let me tell you! Short story: Last school year, I was dirt poor. Church mice made more than I did. My prayers through the times I had no money went something like, "Abba, please send me my next meal. And if you can't do that, send me money and I'll make it myself. You da best. Amen." Usually something would show up. The University campus is a fantastic place to be to get free food. Because it is full of fantastic people and fantastic events.

Trevor brought me a haystack for lunch on Monday, Nick made me lunch yesterday (and fixed my bike tire! without me asking him to. What love!). Yesterday, Savonna (my co-assistant for the Spiritual Department) in the middle of a long 8-hour haul, gave me homemade bread, vegan enchiladas and frozen yogurt. Dean and David made brownies in my house last week and gave us most of them. Janae is always cookin' up noodles, and shares without hesitation. Becky gave me a honey crisp apple. KTW brought me ICE CREAM while I was whirling away at accounting balance sheets. Wednesday, Sean gave me his waffle stacked high with peanut butter and applesauce. It was the first thing I'd eaten all day and it was worth the wait!

People make me laugh. Laughing is important. My favorite thing is when I walk into family dinner and everyone is happy to see me. It changes my entire universe. It makes laugh a fully-happy laugh. Their little faces! I can't get enough of them! Family Dinner is one night a week where all us friends get together and eat at one of our houses- every community of friends and family should do this. Our friend Chad is here from Alaska, and when I saw him, my heart laughed for joy and so did everyone else's.

God is good. People are good. And right now, they are reinforcing my faith in humanity. Perhaps it's Jesus, since He is intuitive and knows I become hopeless easily. He is hot on my trail, coming to find me out here in the middle of wherever I am.

Risha's Law

If there is one person I want to be more like, it would be Risha. She lives in a beautiful yurt with her puppy, works at a hospital and taught me how to swing dance. Risha was my counselor at Camp MiVoden in Idaho about 9 years ago now. But as life so happens, she's become one of my closest friends during the past 6 years I've lived in Walla Walla. Her spirit of love for the outdoors, animals, adventure, creativity, independence and God; they all inspire me. She allowed me to come to her when I was young and dump all my insecurities out on the kitchen table so we could sort through them together. I'm not sure if she wrote these little life rules, but she exemplifies them all. 

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way
to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow, but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and
ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Take one day at a time.
19. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; respect for others;
responsibility for all your actions.
20. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
21. Get organized so everything has its place.
22. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
23. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.
24. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
25. Spend some time alone.
26. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
27. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
28. Read more books and watch less TV.
29. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
30. Trust in God, but lock your car.
31. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to
create a tranquil harmonious home.
32. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
33. Read between the lines.
34. Talk less; listen more.
35. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
36. Be gentle with the earth.
37. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.

worth it.

<<<<----------

Death isn't ideal. But isn't this always how you feel when you are not doing something you love? It's how I feel in Accounting class. Every. Day.

You start to question whether what you're doing is actually worth it.  Is sitting in this classroom ever going to translate to doing something worthwhile in the real world? Will you be able to create something that will stick around after you're gone. Shoot son, don't we all just want to live full, happy lives? We so, so do!

I'm not happy in Accounting class. When I'm feeling disconnected from God (which is often). When I'm stuck at work when people are out climbing rocks and mountains. When I'm not with the people I love. When I'm poor. When I'm feeling inadequate. When I can't have what I want. When I'm not enjoying the life I've been so graciously given and making the most of it.

But the things that we don't like to do, those things are important, too, I think. How would we learn to really appreciate and cherish the things we love otherwise? Living a life you did not expect to live, one you didn't plan, is important to live! They build tenacity. They build trust in God. I don't know where I'm going with this. But it's been on my mind like the weight of a big rock. My schedule is crazy. My classes are hard. My jobs are demanding. And I'm wondering if it's actually worth it.

sometimes crazy.

Pickwick kicks it up a notch at Doe Bay, 2011

One of my good friend, Shay Reynolds, wrote this poem a long time ago and it's so how I'm feeling right now...

I feel like drawing on my face
then flirt-- with anybody
I want to run off my body until only I am left
I would like to surf on a field of smiling daisies
Anywhere but here with another paper to write
My life is as boring as flies
I wish I was crazy sometimes
because at least then
I could rationalize
climbing every
tree I
see

who made it all.

When people talk about near-death experiences, I’m always like “wow, that’s really crazy” and I don’t really think about it afterwards. I don’t really take them seriously when they say “God saved me.” It’s probably cause I didn’t have a near-death experience until this past week, when I was surfing at Pacific City in Oregon. I’m not the best surfer in the world. I do not “shred”. It’s a big deal if I stand up and stay standing for more than 8 seconds. But I love surfing, the pull of the ocean is wild and magical. And I want to be a part of it. So I never ever pass up an opportunity to go.

Matt Randall (my boss and friend) and I woke up at 4am on Saturday to drive the 6 hours to the coastline where our friends were already waiting. We struggled into our wetsuits, grabbed boards and made a break for the water. I paddled out by myself, caught a couple, STOOD UP!!, and fell down a few times. It was so perfect.  

Then came a lull in the surf, and Lorren Libby, Matt Randall, Jordan Harder and Shawn Wilkens plus little tiny me paddled out. Then came the waves- HUGE ONES. And we went up & over them like a slow roller coaster. The water was freezing and I was glove-less. I watched the guys disappear over the hills of water and I thought “How am I supposed to get back to shore??” because I knew I was way too inexperienced to actually surf back in. I thought maybe I could get myself placed perfectly enough to slide into the white water of a wave break.

But it took me out, hard, before I could catch my breath. The water was ripping me to shreds like I was tumbling in a clothes dryer. All I could think about was my board coming back to smack me in the head and knock me out or a fin slicing my face. It’s hard to figure out how much time you’re under water, because it feels like an eternity. I popped up and couldn't feel the sandy bottom with my feet- I’d swallowed so much salt water I could hardly breathe.

I had just enough time to scream “Maaaattt!!!!” knowing he couldn't hear me before another wave crashed over the top of my head. In the middle of it, I thought “I can’t hold my breath anymore, I'm exhausted…oh my goodness, am I going to drown out here?” Millions of seconds seemed to race by me, while I tried to fight against the water. But again, I came to the surface with another wave coming at me.

I looked at it hopelessly, with the wind knocked out of my lungs, and whispered “Jesus, please do something.”

It took me out just as hard as the last two and pushed me far enough up the shore that I could stand, but it was difficult to walk. My feet stuck in the sand and my eyes were cloudy from the salt. My lungs could not get enough air and my head was pounding. I dragged my board up and lay down on the beach.

What if I hadn’t been able to hold my breath any longer? How could anyone have known I was out there? Or could have swam in and pulled in me out in those monster waves? I don't want to think about it!

So yeah, it is pretty crazy. God and His life-saving business.