so often staying + leaving

"You come from a long line of educators," that's what I keep telling myself. My grandparents and my parents; my mother hold awards in teaching. So I don't understand how my jump into education doesn't come easy. Even though education is the solution to so many problems...
I have felt alone in it, working alone. And I also have been sleeping alone in my lonely house. I don't like sleeping in such an empty space. It's cold, even with taking all the blankets to myself. I remember times when it was so good to share blankets- that one time Janae crawled into bed with me with frozen toes. Many camping trips and sleepovers, nights in the back of the truck, movies on the couch. One time at Vantage at 2 AM, under a blanket of stars, I stuffed my down comforter deep into David's sleeping bag even though he was sandwiched between us. He was shivering for more- warmth & closeness. And I need more- probably more education honestly. I don't know enough about lots of things. And while I'm here, 23 years young, I'm trying to allow myself movement.
But I come from such a long line of educators! That's what doesn't change- the educators. How I need to be their advocate. How they don't get a fair deal, how they feel often cheated and frustrated, going to bed alone with their stressors, like I do often. Makes me want to stuff myself into a sleeping bag, too, and not come out.Or I could decide to come out, be wild, find warmth under the sky, and God's bright safe blanket of stars.

funny faces + easy remedies.

On a boat! Safer than our car...

My eyebrow has been twitching for a week now; little uncontrollable muscle spasms causing my left eye to to shimmy and shake. It never announces when it's going to start or stop. I finally googled "Why is my eyebrow twitching?" and learned that I needed to drink less coffee, more water, and sleep for eight hours. Another remedy would be to give my face a mini massage- give it some focused physical attention and it should settle down. That sorta made sense to me since a good "remedy" for people having anxiety attacks is a bear hug, to bring down their blood pressure.

The other night, Nick and I were in a car accident* on our way back to California after Thanksgiving break. When the car behind us smashed into the back of the Subaru out of the blue, I hit the bridge of my nose on the steering wheel and involuntarily began shaking, unable to hold still, just like my eyebrow. The grinding metal and shattering glass sounded disgusting. I saw our bikes, previously perched on the rack, lying entangled on the highway behind us. My brain power went pretty kaput at that point.

But it's Wednesday now and I remember that at one point the always-supremely-calm Nick had grabbed my face in the middle of my shock; he was checking to see if I was hurt and asked if I was okay. Which eventually I was after he held my face, held my hand, held my body tightly up against his on the side of that traffic-jammed highway, giving it some of that much needed focused attention. 


*don't worry, we're totally fine.

It's November 29 and it's Birthday Time

Amsterdam, 2010 above and 2009 below

Whenever the clock turns to 11:29, the time has arrived to make a wish! Because ever since we were in high school, Kate Beck has been conditioning me to always make a wish on her birthday time. This year, I wish that everyone would get to know her a little better, so here you go!

1.       Her birthday is November 29. Whew, got that out of the way.

2.       She can run for days, or at least 12 miles (so however long that takes).

3.       Naturally blonde, but naturally smart as well.

4.       Naturally doesn’t get blonde jokes the first time around.

5.       Despite those things, has also learned how to do a handstand. 

6.       Is a super nerd (which means she's an English major).

7.       Could also pass as a super model.

8.       If she can add sweet potato to any given dish (or situation), she will.

9.       Can have a conversation with a llama.

10.   She will make you play Dutch Blitz, even if you don't want to.

11.   Manages to find all the good deals at yard sales.

12.   One time tortured me by making me do a cleansing diet with her for a week.

13.   Fluent in Spanglish.

14.   She is very good at harmonizing; in song, with babies, birds, kittens, but not directly with nature.

15.   Does not like nature.

16.   Does not like hiking.

17.   Does not like camping.

18.   Does not like dirt.

19.   Does not like sleeping outside.

20.   Does not like fire drills.

21.   Does not like being made fun of.

22.   Does not like it when she is not in the middle of the group photo.

23.   Yet always seems to be in the middle of the group photo.

24.   Has a perfect nose.

25.   But also has a college degree!

26.   Will eat directly off your plate without permission.

27.   Maintains an open closet policy with me. What’s mine is yours, even though I may never get it back (you are never going to wear all those sweaters anyways!).

28.   All the workout playlists on my iPod, she made.

29.   I look like a confused, weak, mangy ferret working out next to her so I try to avoid that at all costs. No one looks that good when they lift weights. Or run. Or do crunches. Or walk in general.

30.   Has always let me copy her Spanish homework. And math homework. And English homework. As well as History of Adventism homework.

31.   Has such a swagger that I would recognize that booty anywhere in the world, as long as she’s walking away from me.

32.   Gives the best gifts, and the best hugs.

33.   Makes the best coffee (and always remembers what you usually order).

34.   Creates so beautifully.

35.   Dances so wildly.

36.   Laughs so heartily!

37.   Believes so deeply.

38.   Loves so fully.

39.   Lives so freely.  

And truly, she is my greatest friend. Love you, bestie boo. Hope I didn't offeeeeeend yooooou! <3

Joshua Tree

A weekend of firsts: first time in Joshua Tree, first time using anchors made from cams and webbing and whatever else Sean rigged up, and first time Kjohn has ever climbed outdoors. Which is all good and quite significant.

the signature of every thing.

Let me preface this by saying, I am not disappointed at all  by the book I'm reading, but I do feel a little cheated by it because the title sucked me in- The Signature of All Things. When I read about part way through the book that the idea of "the signature of all things" was that God had pressed Himself into nature, like a lithograph, so that there would be signs and trails to him through every bit of nature, every flower, petal, stem, tree, and blade of grass- I thought that was extremely beautiful. And then there was no more elaboration in the book about it! That was the disappointing part. 

But it did make me think of where I see the signature of all things. Where God has pressed Himself into this planet and my life and the faces of my friends and family and strangers, too. It makes me think of my friend Danielle's mom who had knit her a blanket, and said prayers for Danielle the entire time she was weaving it together, so that her mother's prayer for her daughter would be caught in between the loops. To be carried always and lead Danielle back to where she came. The signature of a mother. 

It made me think of how I make fun of Nick because his eyes make the ladies swoon. I often tell him that we get a table right away at a restaurant or complimentary stuff because they'll look into his deep blue eyes and be instantly lost. But those are the same eyes that have witnesses so much life- and so much of my life! It is amazing that I can look into his eyes and know that there is something so far back in them, what they have seen, that brings me back home to his heart. And his to mine. That is a signature too. 

Or how I, too, like in the book, have examined a flower and found God's handwriting in it's wiring. In the way it moves and works and it is so similar to the way I move and I work. The joints and veins, my elbows and knees, and blood rushing back and forth to my heart. And I am in wonder and awe of how God has pressed Himself into me, as well, and I can look at my own hands and find Him there. 

Favorite Things

[from top left: new blue shoes; mate flavored pop; the Yosemite sunset; breakfast potatoes; adventures in downtown LA with Janae Rose; double decker slacklines; dating Nick Ham the Man; painting mountains; my parents and all the sunflowers they buy for me.]

Finding Liz Gilbert + Giving up on finding my passion

Downtown LA is not my favorite place to spend my time because of (a) the threat of car accidents (b) getting lost (c) no free parking and (d) getting lost. But Nick and I braved the drive to The Grove to check out the farmer's market on Monday. As we walked past Barnes & Noble on our way back to the car (trying to make it back within the two hours of free parking time bracket), I saw a poster in the window that read "Elizabeth Gilbert The Signature of All Things, October 14, 7:00 PM" which was Monday! I asked Nick if he would please please please please stay*, since it was only about 4:30 PM. Bless his heart, he said yes. 

I bought her new book for $22.00, which came with a wristband to the Q&A/book signing and a free bookmark. What I always wanted! And it turns out- hearing what she had to say what exactly what both Nick and I needed as young, creative people looking for something we may not need to find (insert sigh of relief here). 

On the creative process:

I tend to group all writers into a chunk of workers who are scattered. Mostly because in my writing (or any way that I experience my own creative process) I am scattered with no pattern. But Liz talked about working seasonally; the season of research, the season of writing, the season of introducing your work to the world, and the season of 'staring at the wall' (which means just chilling out). She grew up on a farm and so she tends to keep farming hours, which is to wake up before the rest of the earth and work steadily until about 11 o'clock. "Never hurry; never stop" is what she emphasized on the creative process. Just do your work, do your work, do your work, but don't rush through it and be persistent with it. Instead of following what inspires you, work to develop your creative process. "Inspiration is a one-night stand. Creativity is a 40-year marriage." Creativity will foster commitment, and vice versa. 

On finding your passion:

An girl in the audience about my age asked the question, "What is your advice for young people who aren't sure what they're passionate about yet and how do we find it?" She answered emphatically that she thinks it is very important that we don't let trying to find our passion cripple us. 

If you know you're passionate about something, great! But it was like she was saying that looking too hard for it would bring us down. And passion, for me, has done just that during the past year as I left college and moved to a new city. What is my passion?! Where do I find it?! I have thought so long and hard about it that it has crippled me from feeling passionate about anything really. Mostly, I have felt deeply discouraged about doing things that don't make me feel alive; like my life is being wasted because I am not doing what I was meant to do, but what is that anyways?! It's like being in a damn pressure cooker. 

"If you are feeling like that right now, I just want to release you from that! To liberate you from the burden of finding your passion. Instead, follow your curiosity." Tears were welling in my eyes because I felt the liberation. It is so less pressurized to feel free to explore the things I am curious about rather than to endlessly chase the things people have told me I need to catch.

More than anything, Liz seemed to want to convey that we should be bold, be deliberate and persistent, but also be free. To live lovingly & gently to yourself and to the people around you. And maybe to sum up this, I'll just quote what my friend Emily wrote lately and that is, "Life is just about arranging yourself and the things that are yours in the direction of loving those around you, those who are gifts to you. That's the task at hand." And that would add up to living passionately and curiously and creatively. 

*Just as a brief foot note, we spent all afternoon in B&N and ended buying another two books before leaving. Liz Gilbert's The Last American Man which we've already read and highly recommend and A Paramedic's Story by Steven Grayson for Nick, since he's just launching himself out into that wild world, which he also recommends. While you're at it, we also recommend Love Does by Bob Goff and Wild by Cheryl Strayed.

From Neruda-

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because -- 
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long 
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station 
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep. 

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because 
then the little drops of anguish will all run together, 
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift 
into me, choking my lost heart. 

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach; 
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance. 
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest, 

because in that moment you'll have gone so far 
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking, 
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

from dirtbagdarling.com

There is much to be done.

Models

Recently, my mom has been given a lot of recognition for being nominated for Teacher of the Year for Washington State. Which in my humble loyal daughter opinion, I think she totally deserves. She truly is amazing at her job. And this being the first year I have ever worked in education, the things she has taught me over the years about education and institutions and being an educator has suddenly become what we usually refer to as...

really really really important. 

I understand that teachers are underpaid and overworked, that the educational system can be biased and it's hard to deliver and for everyone to be on the same page. Because children are not all the same, they are not cookie-cutter and so education cannot be cookie-cutter. And I completely agree with Sam Seaborn from The West Wing when he said, 

 "Education is everything. We don't need little changes, we need gigantic, monumental changes. Schools should be palaces. The competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be making six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge to its citizens, just like national defense. That's my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet."

And what I saw more than anything growing up was my parents coming home tired from teaching every day, which was dependent on the fact that they were underpaid, overworked, and misunderstood. Because it is very hard for people in power to understand the perspective of someone who is on the front lines, making direct contact with kids every day and who know that it is absolutely stupid to assess a teacher by seeing whether or not a kindergarten student can count to a hundred in Spanish in under two minutes (you can try this at home). Did I mention I'm biased? Ah shoot, I am. I really really am. 

But here's the thing, I've been thinking about how I want teachers to feel nurtured and appreciated, in the loop and supported. To feel like they can be Teacher of the Year, instead of experiencing what I know a lot of them experience; which is fatigue and not a lot of credit given to their efforts. What do they need? They stay because they love the kids and care about the future of the world. At least, those are my parents, who are lifelong educators. So that's my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet. 

23.

The wilderness and wild animals!

Oh I am 23 years old today! So I'm still very young, but I found my first gray hair on top of my head two days ago, which made me feel old. A real gray hair! What is this!? I pulled it out immediately of course. But today, I feel full of laughter and a joy that's about to burst. There are a couple things that have been occupying my mind lately and I want to remember that this is what I was thinking between 22 and 23 years old:

1. How Jesus is in me and heaven is close at hand at any given moment- the Gospel abounds in me and wants to get out and about. 
2.  How wildness is also something that abounds in me, and creates freedom of heart, mind and spirit and connects me to the God of nature. 
3. A strong appreciation for comedy and craving the feeling of laughing my face off, and to make others laugh too.
4. How I'm supposed to dress for a California winter. 
5. How I'm going to save enough to get to Norway. Also how to dress for winter there. 

But the thought of becoming older has also been on my mind. I'm such an adult now that Nick and I could get married if we wanted to; we can make that decision and no one can tell us we can't! I'm such an adult that I have to pay student loans, pay my cell phone bill, keep up my entire household (err- my trailer), and be proactive about taking care of my joints. Now is the time (I am told) to start thinking about retirement, which I hope to do by 30, move to a Mexican beach with my folks and spend the rest of our lives tanning and putting the lime in the coconut. I'm such an adult in fact, that I now have to change the oil in my car instead of taking it home to my father. 

Let me elaborate a little bit on this, cause I think it is important. No one in my family has ever, ever, ever lacked for something to drive. We also never have to "take the car in". Because my father is a baller. He has built cars from scratch. He has brought cars back to life from their oily graves. And he has always taught me that if I take my car to a mechanic, he will charge me like a gypsy for things that aren't even wrong with it. Over this past weekend, I was in a hurry so I told Nick that we would just go through a Jiffy Lube-type place and get the oil changed quickly so we could go do other things. The guy at the shop looked under the hood and told me there was an oil leak and that the new oil I needed would be $80. 

Needless to say- we bought our own oil and filter, scrounged around for some car jacks and tools, and Nick Ham my man changed the oil in my car. Which I let him do reluctantly after realizing that my father was in fact, a thousand miles away. And I cried about this- like a baby, not an adult- because I missed my father and realized that my life was changing. But here's the thing: my dad taught me how to change oil in a car years and years ago, so it's nothing new to me. Which was of course my dad's point in teaching me, so that one day when I was 23, I would know how to do it myself. 

pretty pointless, but still...

Los Angeles, and the setting sun

It's sort of frustrating realizing that you've been doing something for a while and there's no point to it. Like why I stopped trying to keep the cat off the kitchen table, why I don't wear my glasses anymore except to look smart, and why I stopped setting my alarm for 5:45 AM when I know without a doubt that I will not get out of bed until 6:05 AM.

This is the realization Nick and I came to last week when we were hashing out how we were going to get from point A to point B with our relationship (hey, I know you're reading this and I just don't want you to care that I'm telling the good people of the Interwebs that we strive for quality and direction with each other. And just so everyone knows, we're still going to move back to the Northwest and open a food cart. Friends get a discount). And it is also the realization I'm coming to with this blog. I don't really know where I'm going with it. It is inspiring to see dedicated bloggers, writers, and speakers choose a concentration like sewing, cooking, adventuring, or religion that they consistently tell stories about. 

So I've been thinking about what I write about: People, events, things that strike me as important to my life, little life lessons, transitions, comedic happenings. Since I moved to California I have been listening to audiobook comedies during commutes and have rediscovered the importance of humor in my life. To look at life with Tina Fey tinted glasses. And it has lifted the burden of so many stressful things! One day I hope to compile many hilarious stories that probably only my mom will read, and that will be just fine. But right now, whatever I'm writing about is good for me. It is awesome to take a memory, a stressor, a feeling, a realization or connection, a story you feel is worth telling and taking the time to put it down on paper. The cathartic process is important to me, and to all writers, but maybe the content isn't always.  

Anyways, so yeah, there's no point. And there's no point to this post. But I don't want to stop writing. I love to write about the people in my life and where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I'm discovering. And that's okay for right now. Because they are just stories about life, and we're all living it. 

Heaven on the inside

I've been thinking a lot lately about how heaven is something that lives in me. It is a feeling, not so much a place right now, until one day it will become a place. I set up a lawn chair on the roof of Hacienda Buena last night, and it took two trips to get my book, journal, and smoothie up there. The sun was setting over this hill that I sometimes run on. I could see the dip of the city, the hills bursting up on either side and the glitter of sunlight speckled across the windows of houses. Heaven before has seemed so far off- a vacation that may or may not happen, something I'm trying to save up for and so sometimes I don't have my hopes up about it. 

And I've been wondering if the times when I've felt like I've really lived, fully and wholly, if I will ever feel like that again. How I felt alive in Spain, or with certain people, or when I had no where to go but open roads with zero plans. If I will ever feel free and wild when the pressure of jobs, family, and bills can't be ignored. I miss that feeling. But I'm beginning to feel it again- and here in the most unlikely of places and times. Far from my home and my people, and yet freedom and wildness and love came to me on the roof at sunset. The realization that God and heaven are a part of who I am. 

Perhaps I would acknowledge it more if I turned my phone off, sat in silence, smiled at people more, gave folks the time of day, loved deeper, judged less, forgave more. Remembered and told the story more.

Heaven is a feeling right now. And I can read about it, think about it, see pictures of what people think it will look like. But I can have it now, I think. I have everything I will ever want or need inside me, waiting to take off like a jet. Just gotta say the word, and we're off. 

I think this is beautiful; just wanted to share it.

doesn't always seem important

it doesn't always come as a stranger hands you a piece of paper

doesn't always come as a ring on your finger

doesn't always come as a hand is placed on a rock, the ascent

to the summit you've been staring at for years--

being part of something important

comes sometimes as the globe rolls slowly to it's side,

yawning. 

you wander along in a desert

and the stars drop off and the sun motions to salute

the morning; pressing off the body of mountains-

witness to yourself arising to newness-

the ongoing story of the universe

and the sentence you write

with your life

Swag + Stephanie

[The artist in her studio. Steph Smith.]

If there is one thing I would not want to give up career-wise, it would be working for a non-profit organization. This is probably because I have only worked for non-profit organizations and attended private schools my entire life. I appreciate the cause and hard work behind the 501(c)3 accreditation name tag.

But if there is one thing that made me question that, it was this: Last December, I went with my long-time (and beautiful, talented, amazing) roommate Stephanie Smith (she is not actually my roommate anymore, but we lived together for three years, so I don't know what else to call her) to her Christmas work party. Stephanie works at the Walla Walla Foundry, where huge and famous pieces of artwork are rendered and sent all over the world. I remember what came to my mind as I stepped into the exquisite winery building, with all the presents, the open bar, the beautiful dressed up people, the artwork:

Swag.

And it was then that I questioned my loyalty to the NPO. All the employees received lavish gifts from the president of the company, a free bottle of (super expensive) wine, an art book, and praise and attention plus Christmas bonuses. I know how hard Stephanie works, so I think she down-right-river deserves it! But I tried to look into my future and think about working for a non-profit international relief mission and I just didn't see any swag in that picture.

So I looked up a few jobs where they might celebrate big, and obviously nothing worked out and I'm still at a non-profit. But the thought of Stephanie and the Foundry still comes to mind; how they are doing something they believe in and that they love. They are sought after and know how to have fun at work. They are great at what they do. It's that old classic lesson! Do what you love and it won't feel like work. 

I've appreciated the years I've spent working for non-profits and I want to remember and resonate with the causes they fight for. And I want to believe that my heart is not so weak as to trade in the cooperative non-profit experience for a free coffee table book, though I want it badly sometimes. 

free at sea.

Things I am trying to stand on

Rules for Life 

Version 22-years old

[At the top of Badger Mountain, plus three!]

I've been keeping a little list on my phone for about a year now; keeping track of things I try to do deliberately and faithfully and humbly. Here they are (for now! I hope it keeps growing!)...

Look people in the eye
I've noticed that seeing people clearly face-to-face is similar to the refreshing feeling of jumping off a cliff into water. I love it! Faces are expressive and bright and all so different, and they are what you notice about someone right off the bat. I like looking into people's eyes because I like to think I am communicating to them, "I want to know you," or "I'm here for you." It places people on the same level. 

Be available
Love is availability. When someone needs to talk, talk to them. Do not turn them away when they seek you out. I have a deal with Jesus that He will send me the people He wants me to love on, that the words "I need to talk/I need you" from a friend is Jesus handing responsibility to me. And a little disclaimer: sticking to this "rule" has been challenging for me, but also the most rewarding. There have been lots of times when I've not turned into assignments, skipped important meetings, and ran late to work because someone needed to be held or talked to, counseled. Those key words mean I drop what I'm doing to catch up with someone because quality time fosters quality relationships. And I need that in a big way.

Write thank you notes
And write them with a real pen on real paper and put a stamp on it! So they know you mean it.

Save a little. Pay a little. Give a little.
You'll need to pay to live this life, our necessities come with price tags. So have a savings account, and pull out a little money from each paycheck to put in it; hopefully one day, I hope not to live paycheck to paycheck. Don't pay full price for stuff you don't need to. And because we are blessed with all we need, it is important to give back to God what is God's, to better the world for His good, so that the cycle continues. Just be smart with your money.

Practice what you're already good at
The world will tell you that if you're not a genius, a CEO, a star athlete, a goddess, or don't have a PhD you aren't good at anything. But think of everything you love to do, what you are good at right now. I honestly have always felt a little inadequate on the world's scale of one to ten because I am really bad at math. I use a calculator to add 2+2 and it still comes out to 5. BUT! I am really good at editing research papers, riding a bike, organizing things, using proper English, memorizing, and killing house plants.

Choose which battles you will fight
Realize you can't win them all either. This past year, I was serving as the president of the Amnesty Club at Walla Walla and we were discussing whether we wanted to work with a group whose goal was to abolish the death penalty in Washington. I met with their director and realized while I was talking to him that I was not sympathizing with the cause! It was a disheartening feeling because I wanted to feel concern for everyone that suffers injustice or faces grim circumstances. But in my mind I was thinking, "This is not my fight." I want to fight all the battles! But I'm going to have to choose just one or two to invest myself in. 

Be careful not to let your underwear show
There is nothing more unprofessional or more  reason to allow people to make fun of you than lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground. Or with your skirt up too high. Or your bra strap hanging out. Or your bra through a sheer top. Or...just don't let it show. (disclaimer: there are, however, times when it's totally appropriate to run around in your underwear or wear no clothes at all. Especially if you're in your own home or Eugene, Oregon). 

Follow through with commitments 
Maybe we should all practice small with this one. Maybe it's finishing college or just finishing washing the dishes. I spent a year not buying clothes and once I was six months in, I felt like I was good. I wanted to march myself over to the mall and get myself some nice jeans. But I'm so glad I didn't- I'm glad I finished that year committed to something important to me because there is a grand sense of accomplishment in doing that.

Believe people are good
I'll be honest, I like Beyonce a lot. But as I watched her perform at the Superbowl this past year with my parents and family friends, I was surprised that they didn't think she was the shiz! It was hard to get past the booty popping and all that thigh meat to see that she is a quality human being. Then the media started debating whether she was a good person or not. That was hard to swallow! I just want to believe that people are good- that within everyone, whether we know them or not, is something worth respecting and appreciating. Is this a controversial thing? I feel the same way about politicians, some professors I don't get along with, and ex-boyfriends. Please don't ever let me be the person that writes someone off (celebrity or not) simply because of what I see on the outside or because of something they've done that I may disagree with.

Laugh as much as you can 
If you can adopt a sense of humor about even the most disappointing situations, you will feel some resolve about what hurts you. When my grandfather passed away, I remember my Gram saying, "Oh we were planning on living forever! He really didn't hold up his part of the deal!" and she laughed through tears in her eyes. There is comfort and joy in laughter.   

Kindness is a choice
A sharp tongue cuts deep and doesn't always heal. In fourth grade, a girl who was my friend told me a boy I had a crush on didn't want to date me because I had a mustache. And okay, I kind of do but it's not a mustache! It's very soft, fine layer of slightly darker fuzz on my top lip. But ever since then, I've been bleaching it. So you can't even see it now and my boyfriend doesn't care at all what's on my face as long as he can kiss it. I've never gotten over that though, and it made me believe that because of my ethnicity, I'm not as beautiful as I could be (even though I do believe now that I am beautiful just the way I am. Cliche and true). Be kind whenever possible and build others up with your words. 

Plant seeds, even if they don't grow 
My brother asked me once, "What's the point of even trying to get rid the world of poverty when its really never going to happen?" To which I said loudly in a Mexican restaurant over burritos, "Because every life matters!" He looks at me skeptically cause he's just that kind of person. If you can't save them all, why try? Because if your efforts help just one person, then it was worth it.

Learn to eat with a knife
You will not believe how much easier it is to just use your knife instead of pushing your last little bite of food up onto your fork with your finger. It's also very classy. 

When you are feeling sorry for yourself, do something for someone else
When I start spiraling down the drain of self-pity and contempt for humanity, the main thing I want to do is eat pizza and watch Grey's Anatomy for hours alone in my room. My friend DaniJ says when I feel that self-depreciation rising, to write a card to someone who needs a kind word. Or to bake cookies for my neighbor. Or call my mother. There is always someone out there who will be happy to hear your voice, and there will be many happy returns from reaching out to someone else (when all you want is to wallow in your disappointments).

Don't be afraid to ask for a discount
We've gone over this a little: you'll have to pay up in this life, with real cash. Don't be afraid to ask for a coupon, a groupon, a discount, or buy in bulk. My friend Macie knows how to strike gold when it comes to shopping: "Discounts and sales! And Costco." I channel her whenever I go into a store. Money in the bank feels good, ka-ching! Paying full price is whack. Avoid it whenever possible. 

Why you should carry a resume with you at all times.

[obviously, no comparison]

This past April, Rob Bell was doing a tour for his new book and we went to Beaverton to hear him speak at Powell's Books with our friends Lacey and Greg. I'm such a huge fan of Rob's; I am so totally down with the way he writes and I swoon over those hipster glasses he wears (Nick also wears glasses and is the hottest man alive). 

I had been looking for jobs as graduation was approaching quickly. And as Rob talked, he kept mentioning how excited he was to be working in Los Angeles on a new project. I thought, "Hey! I could definitely help him with that!" I then whispered to Nick that I was going to give Rob my number. I took a receipt out of my pocket and wrote "REBECCA HANAN. I'M NICE AND QUALIFIED" on the back of it along with my email and phone number. And I should note that when you write that, you should believe that about yourself.

But I began to question those things about myself as we got in line to have him sign our books, my palms started to sweat a little. What was I doing?! Is it okay to give famous people your phone number?! Is there a rule against doing that?! What if he doesn't want it?! There was no turning back and I did not want to chicken out in front of my friends.

As I handed him a book to sign, he saw the paper in my hand and said, "Oh hey what's that paper?" and what followed was this:

My brain: "OMG ROB BELL MAAAAAHERENIHIPSTERGLASSESAOCNDSKALSAKLSCDL!!!"

What actually came out of my mouth: "Yes! I wanted to tell you that I am looking for work, I'm graduating from college in June, and I would be THE BEST assistant in the world. Call me if you need someone in LA." 

He laughed, took the paper and told me he was really happy I told him that and thank you. We walked out of the store and I thought about the piece of receipt burning a hole in his pocket. He probably already had the best assistant in the world, but maybe he could call anyways? 

I was proud of myself for putting myself out there. That was important to me; the moment I took a chance to tell someone I truly admire that I wanted to be a part of what they were doing, and to "call me. I'm can help." 

hips and their truths.

Yesterday was the hardest and easiest yoga class I've ever been to. Simple stretches, but so much concentration dedicated to doing them right. With the right muscles tightened and flexed, the right breathing, the right amount of stretch. "Bring your belly to your spine and breath out...flex the front of your thighs, it should loosen up the back of your thighs..." (sidenote: those are not muscle I know how to use, so I kind of just flexed a lot of different muscles and rolled with it). But as we sat with legs crossed and our instructor told us all how to sit properly so our spines were looooong, and the sides of our feet lay flat, she said to talk to our bodies in our heads... 

"You need to have a conversation with your hips
And tell them that they don't need to be doing
Anything
at all
Right now."

I had been trying to pull myself closer to my toes, but as I talked my hips down from the ledge, breathing in rhythm with the strangers around me, my body relaxed. "Hey, I know we've been sitting in an office chair and wearing heels all day and you're upset about that. But you don't need to hold me up right now, so take a sec and chill," is what I told them gently.

I was relieved to lay on my back at the end of class, the teacher turned the lights down and we all breathed together for five whole minutes. The lady next to me was breathing so deep, I thought she had dozed off. At the end we said our namaste's and I popped my hips back into gear. It felt so good to stand, I could feel them telling me internally, "thanks, we needed that." 

C A L I F O R N I A

[Hacienda Buena]

I'm living in a trailer, and it's actually really wonderful. And I have a kitten named Bear who lives there with me. The first night my mom and I arrived in Newbury Park (a smaller city caught in the borders of the Los Angeles area), I was mad. I'd never driven in traffic like LA's before and my whole body felt like a crumpled ball of aluminum foil with jagged points. My eyes were crossed I was so frustrated. Since then, I've been trying to decide if I will stay here due to the fact that "people are on acid, clearly." Nick drove me to Glendale my first two days of work.

But oh!...everything is okay now. I hardly notice traffic anymore when I commute back and forth to Glendale at 6:30 in the morning, and then again at 6:30 at night. I've invested in audiobooks! To distract me from the desire to kill other aggressive drivers. Tina Fey's Bossypants has been the cheapest road rage therapy money can buy.

My grandmother tells me it takes at least three weeks to adjust to being in a new place. And it does! It does! This is the third week I've been living here and I'm beginning to make head way with my job, decorating my Hacienda Buena, I've already killed one house plant! The beach is 30 minutes away and even though I can't will myself into the water, I can sit and enjoy watching people surf. Pelicans fly so close to the water, they create ripples. Surfboards are stored in the back of my car. I can see Target from my front porch (sidenote: in Walla Walla, the closest Target is an hour away. It is also the Taj Mahal of shopping. Which is the only reason mentioning it's close proximity is important).

I also opened a new bank account today- momentous because I have been banking with the same small credit union in the Northwest since I was twelve. Now I have a new paycheck in a new bank with a new debit card. How strange! But I am becoming a little more stable right where I am, and in the process I am also becoming more grateful for where I've come from and where I am going. 

staying where the air is.

[Jordan in Sandpoint...cause I have no pictures of today]

It’s been hard getting back in the ocean since last fall when I nearly drowned at Pacific City. The feeling breaks my heart a little bit every time I stand in the shallow white water than breaks around my thighs. We lived in north Washington when I was young and each time we went to the sea, no matter the weather, I was in the water. If you don’t find the ocean mysterious and exciting, I want to take you in the water with me and show you how unafraid you should be. How shroud in wonder you could be in the sea; it is full of personality and power.

That is- if I can ever get back in it. This weekend, Nick and John Lubke tried to coax me into the waves near Laguna Beach. But each time I felt the thrust of “okay, I’m going in!” my feet became cemented to the shore by fear. The two of them dove under big waves, coming up on the other side unscathed and breathing.

I felt so ridiculous as I was about to run out into it, freed from fear and driven by my own will power, but then immediately chickened out and ran back to safety, because those waves looked like they had teeth. I almost began to cry, because suddenly I had become someone else! Someone who is very afraid! I am confused by my own inability to act like myself- someone who loves the ocean and wants to be fully engulfed in it.

But as I stood still where Nick left me in the water, a wave passed over my head and I toppled over. I stood up in water up to my knees after the small roll, snorting water out my nose, and announced that I was done. And Nick walked me to the shore.

This is sad to me, but it is a challenge! To let myself fall into forgiveness with the ocean and feel the hug of her waves again. 

lost; found in the wilderness

[Zion National Park; Nick is a monkey]

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.
It doesn't matter.
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come, even if you have broken your vow

a thousand times
Come, yet again, come, come. 

-Rumi

Writings from the office in a city.

It just became so suddenly obvious, as I'm sitting in this new office, that I have not heard music for almost a whole week. I have not heard many familiar voices, or walked on familiar ground since last Thursday. I have turned on Ben Howard immediately, quickly like the action of running a burned hand under ice-cold water. So that maybe this unfamiliar place where I stand will feel a little more like the forests and wheat fields at home in the Northwest, with familiar music bouncing off tree trunks and earth and the roads that lead between them. 

coming into a new day

[photo from Pinterest]

Ooooooh goodness. I'm saying this as if I am just back from a long bike ride, wiping sweat from my head and pushing my hair back with my hands. I'm graduating in a week!!!!! From COLLEGE! And I know that people have gone before me and that people will come after me, but this is still a big deal. A sad deal too because it means that I am leaving and others are moving- this place will never be the same.

And I'll admit that I love it when things stay the same- no, I just enjoy consistency. Nostalgia sometimes compromises my ability to adapt to new life and opportunities. The years I've spent in college have been so special. Walla Walla is a magical place, and the time I spent in Spain is comparable to nothing! My friends are all unique and beautiful.

California has always meant warmth and light and freedom to me. Perhaps that will change when I start my job there, but I hope it doesn't. I hope that I can carry the things in my heart that I have planted there while in college here and abroad. That I'll wake with hope in the morning and trusting in God at night, so that I can come into each new day fully embracing the past, present and future.